


Hell's Bells

by angelivenantium



Series: Angel/Hunter writing madness [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - War, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Soldier!Dean, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-10
Updated: 2013-12-10
Packaged: 2018-01-01 18:35:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1047222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelivenantium/pseuds/angelivenantium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean and Cas have been together for about 6 months and still recovering from all the trouble caused by Cas' ex boyfriend, Lucy, when Dean decides to follow in his father's footsteps and go into army training after high school.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hell's Bells

Hell’s bells

“Hey, Cas?” Dean said. He was sitting at the table in the Novak’s large, white kitchen with a cup of coffee in his hands and an empty plate in front of him. He’d stayed at Cas’ house over the night - which unfortunately didn’t happen too often since Cas had to study every freaking minute of his life - and when he’d waked up in the late morning he could smell pancakes all the way upstairs. He’d walked down the white, classy staircase in a pair of Cas’ sweatpants and saw his boyfriend standing by the stove, with a bare chest and also wearing sweatpants. Dean loved the way they sat over his pretty little ass and went up behind him as quietly as he could. He’d leaned in and whispered “good morning, angel” in Cas’ ear, making him jump. Dean had chuckled and placed his hands on Cas’ hips and his lips on his neck and felt very content. 

Cas was now sitting on the chair next to him with his legs resting in Dean’s lap and sipping on a cup of tea. 

“Yeah?”

“I’ve been thinking,” Dean started, “about applying to Fort Jackson in South Carolina.”

Cas raised his eyebrows and put the mug down.

“Fort Jackson? As in army training?”

“Yeah,” Dean said. “You know, my mom and dad used to be in the army and I feel like it might be something I could actually be good at. Like it’s in my blood or something.”

Cas watched him silently and fidgeted a little bit in his chair.

“I’m… not surprised, I suppose,” he said slowly. “But the army, Dean. What happens if- when you get deployed?”

“Yeah, but,” Dean said and sat up more straight, “I could actually do something, you know, save people and protect them. And besides, I could help pay for collage for Sam.” 

His green eyes searched for the blue ones that stubbornly stared at the floor. 

“And what if you don’t come back again?” he said softly. 

“Yeah, I know…” Dean started. “But it could be worth the risk, you know?” 

It had also been one of John’s goals for Dean, to go off and join the army like he and his mother had, fighting for their country and protecting those who couldn’t protect themselves. Dean had been to enough military bases over his childhood years to know what guns and bombs looked like, at least on safe ground, and he’d met veterans from about when he could walk. War was a part of his life and his upbringing, even if he’d never actually been to one himself. He wasn’t planning on telling Cas this, though, because he knew how pathetic it sounded that he wanted to go to a warzone to make his dead daddy proud. But hey, we all have our issues. 

Cas observed at him for a long, uncomfortable moment, almost looking like he was physically hurting. 

“If it’s what you want to do then I’m in no position to try and stop you,” he said slowly, like he was testing the words on his tongue. 

“So you’re okay with it?” Dean and raised an eyebrow, because he knew that look on Cas’ face and right now he was having an internal battle between trying not to be possessive and wanting to be possessive as hell. 

“I, eh…” Cas huffed and squirmed in his chair. “No, but I don’t want to be on your way. You shouldn’t base any decisions on what I think. I can’t say I’m particularly fond of the idea of you going into an actual battle, but if it’s what you want to do, then you should do it.”

Dean was quiet for a moment and Cas squirmed a bit more, looking guilty and like he really wanted to say something.

“Hey, it’s not like I will be sent abroad right away,” Dean said and Cas nodded.

“Yes, I know. I mean it though, Dean, if you want to do this then I support you.” His mouth lifted into a small crooked smile. “Besides, uniforms are kind of hot.”

Cas nudged the inside of his thigh with his toes and smirked at him. Dean pulled him on top of him so he ended up straddling Dean’s thighs and put his hands in the almost-black hair. The doctor had removed the large bandage from where Cas had been shot by his jealous and over-possessive ex boyfriend Lucifer two months ago and replaced it with a thick, beige patch. Dean stroked it lightly. Cas leaned in and licked his way from Dean’s collarbone to his jaw, making him moan. Their breathing grew heavier and when their eyes met again it felt like fire. Dean ended up pushing Cas down on the table and fucking him senseless. 

\-------

A couple of months later Dean woke up in Cas’ empty bed once again, but this time he found Cas sitting on the last step of the staircase, his legs drawn to his chest and clutching something in his hands. Cas’ hair was still wet from showering. Dean sat down next to him, worried, and Cas just handed him the letter he’d been holding without a word and kept staring right in front of him. Dean took the paper and the first thing he noticed was the Harvard print at the top. He let his eyes move across the letter and swallowed. It was an acceptance letter to Harvard School of Engineering and Applied Science. Cas had told him he’d applied but didn’t actually think he’d make it, especially when he hadn’t been able to study properly because of everything that’d been going on with Lucifer and then the shooting. 

Dean swallowed again and felt a big wave of pride rush through him. 

“You got in,” he murmured and read the text again. “Fuck, Cas, you did it.”

He turned to his boyfriend who had buried half his face in his arms that gripped tightly around his knees. Dean put down the letter and kneeled in front of Cas, searching for his eyes. 

“I can’t believe it,” Cas whispered. “Do you think there’s been a mistake?”

“No, dude, I think it’s pretty damn accurate,” he replied and smiled. 

Cas stared at Dean for a few more moments before his entire face lit up and he practically dived from the staircase and knocked both himself and Dean to the floor. He clutched Dean’s face and kissed him everywhere. Dean couldn’t stop laughing at him. 

“How about you get your brainy ass off me and we go out for breakfast, huh?” he said when Cas’ lips had stopped harassing every inch of his face. 

“I thought you liked my ass on you,” Cas smirked and Dean felt his cheeks heat up. Dean flipped them over so he was more or less lying between Cas’ legs and supported himself in his elbows in either side of Cas’ head.

“Don’t push it, Einstein,” he said and stroked a thumb over Cas’ lower lip. “There’s waffles waiting somewhere and they won’t eat themselves.” 

Cas snorted at him and pushed him off.

“I can’t believe you just chose waffles over me,” he said, pretending to be upset, and brushed himself off as he stood up. Dean smirked at him and - still on his knees on the floor - put his hands on Cas’ oh so delicious hipbones and jerked him closer to him. Cas eyes widened and he put his hands on Dean’s shoulder to steady himself from the sudden movement. 

“You said that Balthazar is still away, right?” Dean said with a voice low and smooth like whiskey.

“Uh-huh.” Cas voice was about two pitches higher than usual. 

“I don’t think I remember…” Dean said and started to unbuckle Cas’ belt, “where was he going?”

“He’s in, eh…” Cas gripped Dean’s shoulders a bit tighter, “Paris.” He gulped when Dean pulled the belt off in one swift movement. 

“Fascinating,” Dean said completely casually, “business trip, wasn’t it?” He leaned in and licked the pale skin just above the waistline of Cas’ jeans lightly.

“Mhm,” Cas winced and began to breathe faster. Dean started to kiss the area below Cas’ bellybutton while his fingers moved to unbutton the jeans. He pushed Cas a few inches back so that his back collided with the wall before he pulled the jeans down with the boxers. He glanced up and felt warm all over when he saw Cas’ blue eyes looking down at him with complete awe and that pushed away all form of shyness he’d ever had. It was in fact the first time Dean had ever found himself in this… position, but it felt completely awesome, so what the hell. Sometime has gotta be the first, right?

He leaned in and opened his mouth around Cas, making him gasp, and let his mouth and tongue slide along him. It wasn’t anything like he’d thought it’d be. If he’d ever felt gross about it before he certainly didn’t anymore, tasting Cas and drawing noises from him with every small movement. Dean closed his eyes, feeling Cas tight grip on his shoulders, and let every natural instinct take over. Just a few minutes later Cas was groaning loudly and let his head fall back against the wall just before he cried out and Dean was swallowing every bit of cum flowing down his throat. 

When he’d swallowed a few times more, he pulled Cas’ jeans up for him and buttoned them. Cas was still panting and looking down at Dean like he couldn’t believe what just happened. Dean got up and presses an intense kiss to Cas’ lips. 

“You still don’t feel like waffles?” Dean asked and drew an amused smile from Cas.

“I think you would be able to make me agree to possibly anything right now.”

\-------

A few weeks later it was Cas and Dean’s graduation day. The ceremony was really boring, but Cas made it way more fun when he sneaked his hand to the inside of Dean’s thigh and casually almost made him get a hard-on in his seat among all of their classmates. 

Later that evening they were at Cas’ house with pretty much every kid in their year, because Gabriel had stomped straight into his old school and handed out invitations to everyone he could find and Cas was actually one of the more popular people in school with his devastating eyes, mysterious half-shy smile and shitload of money, even though he’d never tried to be. A lot of it was thanks to his relationship with Lucifer.

Cas was standing uncomfortably in the middle of a large group of kids who looked at him like he was some sort of celebrity, hugging like the seventh beer in his hand (seriously, that kid could hold his liquor) and looking kind of bored. Dean always managed to forget that Cas was actually quite shy around people he didn’t know just because he was so confident and comfortable otherwise. 

He downed the rest of his beer, feeling happy and relaxed, and decided it was time to save Cas from his misery. 

“Hey, babe,” he whispered in his ear as he came up behind him and put his hands on his hipbones. Cas instantly melted against him and flashed him a tipsy smile while everyone in his small group went round eyed.

“I’m here to steal the main attraction for a while,” Dean told them and put his arms around Cas’ waist. “And you’ll just have to try and deal with it someplace else.” The kids started to disperse; most of them getting more punch that were heavily spiked with alcohol, thanks to Balthazar. 

Cas chuckled against him and lazily pulled him around him to place a sloppy kiss on his mouth.

“You wanna go upstairs?” he purred to Dean and nudged his nose against his jawline. Dean nodded with a big grin and pulled Cas towards his own room, grabbing more beer on the way. 

When they stumbled through the door Dean closed it firmly behind them and locked it. Cas was leaning against the couch, smirking widely. 

“What are you so happy about?” Dean chuckled and took the cap off another beer. 

“I want to fuck you until you’re begging for mercy,” Cas said and Dean almost spit out the beer again, because 1. Cas never talked dirty and 2. It was the fucking hottest thing ever. 

“Cas, you’re wasted, aren’t you?” Dean snorted with a big, stupid smile because this was somehow really hilarious. 

“Possibly,” Cas said and started unbuttoning his white shirt. Dean was openly staring at him and when the shirt fell off his shoulders he pushed Dean roughly against a wall and grinded up at him, while he tore at his clothes and sucked on his neck and Dean was hard in like five seconds. Cas pulled him down on the bed instead and straddled his legs and it was messy and clumsy and Dean was totally making pleading noises in the back of his throat by the time Cas was inside him, but he didn’t care because holy fucking shit, and then he came harder than he’d ever done before, nearly screaming out Cas’ name. He lay back in Cas’ bed for several minutes, just trying to breath normally and stop seeing stars. Cas had thrown himself lazily over Dean’s torso, putting his head on Dean’s collarbone and breathed in tandem with him, like they used to whenever they were lying chest to chest. Yes, it was a bit hard to breathe, but Dean loved feeling Cas’ against him, all soft and sleepy, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. He almost nodded off a few times, but there was too much loud music for him to actually fall asleep and judging by Cas’ shallow breaths, he was still awake too.

“Dean?” he slurred after a while.

“Yeah?”

“I don’t want to leave without you.”

Dean swallowed thee lump in his throat. He’d thought he’d be used to people leaving him by now, but no.

“Cas, you’re drunk,” he murmured instead.

“I’m not that drunk,” Cas whined and Dean would bet the Impala that he had that small and stubborn frown on his face. It stung in Dean’s heart though, the thought of him leaving.

“Yeah, I don’t want to leave you either,” he sighed. “But it’s not actually leaving, you know? We’re just gonna… be further apart for a while.”

“Please don’t get killed when they ship you off somewhere.”

Dean stopped breathing for a moment.

“Sure… But it’s ages until then, maybe years,” he tried to comfort Cas, who had shuffled higher up to stroke his nose against Dean’s neck.

“Yeah…” he replied weakly and Dean didn’t know what else to do than to put an arm around Cas’ back and just hold him close until they both fell asleep after all.

\-------

When late August arrived it was time for Cas to move to Harvard. Being the organised, nerdy dude that he was, he’d been making like 10 lists of what to pack and how to pack it and god knows what else. He’d managed to get his own small apartment, using the ridiculously large collage fond his Dad had made for all of his kids. The place was kind of tiny and time-stained, but Cas seemed to like it anyway. 

Castiel was going to fly there with Balthazar, who would help him with the absurd amount of bags Cas wanted to bring. Dean was sitting on their porch while the two brother’s were loading the large bronze metallic BMW X5. He noticed the bullet whole in the fence that surrounded part of the porch, left from that terrible night more than 6 months ago. He picked at it for a bit and keeping himself from thinking about how Cas was leaving him. Cas was going somewhere good, goddammit, it wasn’t like he was actually leaving-leaving him, so Dean would just have to stop being such a little bitch about it. But how much he tried Dean couldn’t shake the sour feeling in his stomach. When they had finished loading Balthazar went inside again and Cas sat down between Dean’s legs, resting his back against Dean’s chest and removed Dean’s hand from the railing to intertwine their fingers instead. He rested his head against Dean’s shoulder and leaned closely against him. Dean swallowed the lump in his throat.

“You’re gonna do great,” he murmured. Cas sighed and held his hand a bit harder, brushing it with his thumb. 

“You too, Dean,” Cas replied. 

There were a few more moments of tense silence. Finally Cas turned around in his spot and put his hands on Dean’s neck.

“This feels far too much like goodbye,” he said and Dean did very much not miss how his eyes actually looked teary. 

“Well, it’s not,” Dean told him. He stroked the messy hair and pulled Cas closer into a hug. He smelled like that Armani fragrance he used to wear and a bit like tea and just completely, downright like Cas. Dean closed his eyes and buried his nose in the crook of Cas’ neck. It wasn’t like they would be able to visit each other now and again, but Dean thought it still felt so weird that Cas wouldn’t be just a 15 minutes drive from him. He’d looked up how long it’d take for him to drive from Fort Jackson to Harvard on Google maps and it had said 15 hours. Dean was pretty sure he could do it well under 11. 

“Just, you know…” Dean started, hating how insecure he sounded, “don’t forget about me when you’re doing all your awesome, geeky science stuff.”

Cas actually smacked him on the head.

“Don’t say things like that! I’m going to a university, not another solar system and I could never forget you even if I tried.”

Dean smirked and kissed that irritated pout. 

“Yeah, I know.”

The door opened behind them and Balthazar walked outside.

“Cassie, are you ready to go?”

Cas gave him one of his best “I-will-smite-you”-looks.

“Fine, then, five more minutes!” Balthazar muttered and walked inside again. Cas looked at Dean almost desperately and Dean’s heart clutched. God, this was ridiculous.

Dean settled with his arms around Cas’ shoulders again, not knowing what to say to him.

“I wish I could bring you with me,” Cas murmured against his neck and the puff of air against his skin made Dean shiver. 

“I’ve got a feeling you wouldn’t get much studying done though if you did,” Dean said and presses a smirk against Cas’ lips. They instantly moved against Dean’s and Dean let his tongue trace them and bit down gently on the lower lip. Cas moaned slowly, pulling him closer by his collar and then fisting his plaid shirt. They sat there with closed eyes and made out for what felt like an eternity and far too short at the same time. Dean let his hands trace Cas’ chest through the white dress shirt and memorises the shape and feeling, even though he’d done it a thousand times before. His hands fell to Cas’ hips and he pulled him in, accidentally a bit too close, making Cas gasp and pull away. 

“If we don’t stop soon it’s going to be one of the most embarrassing car rides in my life,” Cas chuckled. Light had reached his eyes and they gleamed at Dean, very blue and so freaking deep he had to remember to inhale. 

“It’s not my fault you’re too damn gorgeous for me to keep my hands off you,” Dean smirked at him, making him laugh and his cheeks gain a bit of colour. 

“Seems we have a problem then, since I can’t keep my hands off you either.”

“I don’t see how that’s a problem.”

“It’s going to be a problem if I’m forced to take a cold shower before we go.” 

Dean laughed and pulled him in for another kiss. He ran his fingers through Cas’ hair, leaving it even messier than before.

“Hey, I wanna give you something,” Dean said when the thought hit him. Cas tilted his head a bit. 

“You don’t have to give me anything. I don’t have anything to give in return.”

“Yeah, no, I know, but I want to.” Dean started pulling at one of the black, leather bracelets he used to wear and managed to untie it with one hand. “You don’t have to take it if you don’t want to, but you could have it to, you know, remember me or something.” Dean looked down at the bracelet that he fiddled with between his fingers. When he gazed up Cas was looked at him with a disapproving look on his face.

“I don’t need an accessory to remember my own boyfriend,” he told him dead serious, “although I would love to have that bracelet anyway.”

Dean’s chest felt a little lighter and he tied the black leather around Cas’ wrist instead with a strangely proud smile. 

“Thank you,” Cas said and stroked the bracelet affectionately.

“I should probably have made you a “taken by Dean Winchester”-sign too,” he teased and Cas snorted and grinned back at him. 

“I almost expected you to.”

Dean just smiled into Cas’ eyes for a moment, losing himself in them and then felt cold when he realised he wouldn’t get to drown in them for weeks, that Cas was actually going away any minute now, starting a whole new life and he wouldn’t be there with him and oh fuck, he was actually turning into Sam.

Cas must’ve noticed the changes in his face because he got a really worried look on his face and cupped Dean’s with both his hands.

“You don’t actually think I’m leaving you, right?” 

“Come on, man, of course I don’t,” Dean murmured. Cas didn’t seem to buy it for a second. Damn him and his piercing, lie-shattering eyes.

“Because I still want to be with you just as much as before,” he started babbling, “and we’ll see each other all the time, right? It’s only one days drive and I can borrow someone’s car and come and see you and you have the Impala and there’s Skype and cell phones and- and-“

“Hey, dude, chill,” Dean said and gently removed Cas’ hands from his face by holding them in his instead. He did feel a lot better though, not that he would ever admit it. “Of course we will. You don’t think I’m letting you go that easily, huh?”

Cas looked a bit calmer and stood up from his place between Dean’s legs. Dean got up too and walked down the steps he’d been sitting on. Cas was standing there in front of him in the early sun, with his hair still in a big mess from where Dean had pulled his fingers through it and wearing a goddamn suit jacket. Although Dean would be the biggest liar to ever walk the face of the earth if he said the sight of Castiel in a real jacket didn’t make his pulse rush. His heart clutched again at the beautiful picture in front of him and he hauled Cas in by the front of that stupid jacket and kissed him, putting one hand in his hair again. God, that hair was gonna drive him insane one day.

Cas kissed him back, putting his hands on the small of Dean’s back and holding on to him for dear life. 

“I love you,” Cas said against Dean’s lips. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Cas,” Dean murmured and had to break the kiss to breathe and, well, not start crying like a big girl. 

“Time to go, sweetheart!” came Balthazar’s voice from behind Dean and Cas looked at his feet and swallowed. “See you, old chap,” he called to Dean when he went past them and into the driver’s seat. 

“Well,” Dean said. “Call me when you land, you hear me?”

“In case we crash and die?” Cas snorted with a grin.

“Shut up, don’t jinx it!” Dean said and punched him lightly in the chest. “Just… call okay?”

“Okay.”

Cas got up on his toes and threw his arms around Dean’s neck, kissing him over and over again all over his face. 

“Did I tell you I love you?” he murmured and sounded nerve-wracking. 

“Yeah,” Dean breathed him in, holding him flush against him. “I love you too, more than you can imagine.”

“Castiel, we’re going to miss the flight!” Balthazar called from the car.

Cas sighed against Dean’s lips, kissed them one more time, looked deeply into his green eyes and pulled away.

“I’ll call you later,” he said, rushed back for one last kiss and then turned around, hurried to the car and got in. 

Dean stood there on the Novak’s driveway and waved sadly at them when they drove off, Cas resting his pulled up knees against the dashboard and Dean thought he caught a glimpse of him swiping a tear away before the car disappeared. 

\-------

After three weeks of learning how to shoot someone from 600 feet away and running through mud with a guy twice his size on his shoulders, Dean was finally able to get enough time to make the long drive to see Cas. He got up early and was sitting in the Impala with the radio on and nice autumn air blowing in through the rolled down window. He had the uniform on because Cas had said uniforms were hot and he wanted to surprise him, showing him as much of his new life as he could and it was also damn comfortable. It was a nice day for driving and he’d kind of been longing for being back on the road for a bit.

When he arrived at Cambridge he put the address Cas had given him when he called him and told him he was coming into his phone and followed the blue line. Dean wasn’t one for all these new technology crap everyone was obsessing over and it kind of felt like cheating, but he had to admit it was pretty damn useful. 

He pulled up outside the four-floor building where Cas had his apartment when it was starting to get dark, slammed the door to his car hard in pure excitement - apologising to it, of course - before he darted up the stairs and found the door with the right number. Anticipation tickled him everywhere when he knocked and two seconds later the door opened and Cas appeared in front of him. 

“Hello, gorgeous,” Dean said and smirked. Cas jaw literarily dropped when he saw Dean leaning against his doorway, dressed in full uniform (except for the hat; the hat made him feel stupid) with jacket and boots and everything.

“Dean…” was all he managed to get out and Dean just had to laugh at him.

“Can I come in or…?” he asked when Cas didn’t say anything else. 

“Yes,” Cas said and shook his head as if to clear it, “yes, sorry.” 

Dean chuckled and walked inside. He peeked around for a bit, not being able to contain his curiosity. Cas’ small apartment was made out of three small rooms. When you walked through the door you instantly came to the largest room where there was a small sofa (not at all like the large, divinely one in Cas’ room at home), a coffee table and a small desk. Directly to the left was a small bathroom and about 6 feet further in was a door to the small kitchenette. The door on the right led into the bedroom that only contained a queen size bed and a small closet. 

“Looks nice, Cas,” he said and turned around only to find Cas standing right behind him, staring at him. “What?” he asked.

“You’re standing in my bedroom… in a uniform.”

“… yeah…?”

“I think it has to be the sexiest thing I have seen in my entire life,” Cas grinned and yanked Dean closer by the front of the jacket, “and that includes all the high quality porn Gabriel used to make me watch.”

“Gabe made you watch porn?” Dean blurted out without really knowing what he was saying because Cas had just started to unzip his jacket and pushing him back towards the bed. Cas forced him to sit down on the edged and climbed into his lap with his knees in either side of Dean’s thighs and fucking hell if this wasn’t the biggest turn-on ever.

“Apparently he thought I wasn’t experienced enough for a 12 year old,” Cas said and pushed the jacket off Dean’s shoulders, letting his hands trace the shapes of all the new muscles there. The blue eyes flickered up and when they locked with Dean’s they softened. 

“I’ve missed you,” Cas whispered and Dean saw a trace of pain in the deep, azure abysses.

“I’ve missed you too, Castiel,” Dean said and put his arms around Cas’ back. Cas grinned fondly at him, something Dean had learned usually happened when he called Cas by his given name. Dean started unbuttoning Cas’ white shirt, revealing more and more skin in the process. He could feel Cas’ eyes on him and then smooth fingers running through his hair and soft lips on his neck, sucking lightly. Dean sighed and loved finally feeling his boyfriend so close to him. Maybe three weeks wasn’t so long, but it’d felt like ages and forced him to take long, hot showers imagining pale hands and hot breaths on him. 

“Castiel…” Dean moaned when he felt teeth sinking into his neck, indubitably forming a hickey. Cas groaned and pushed his hips against Dean’s, making him gasp. Dean slid the shirt off and drank in the sight before Cas cupped his face and made him look at him.

“You’re beautiful, do you know that?” Cas said quietly and stroked Dean’s slightly unshaved jaw. Dean felt something warm and rather viscid inside his chest and he blushed. He let his hands trail down Cas chest, stopping at the scar on the side of his stomach. Cas’ breath hitched a bit when he stroked his hand over it, but quickly recovered and he dived in to lick beneath Dean’s ear. Eager hands tugged Dean’s t-shirt over his head and pushed him down on the bed. Cas hovered over him, holding onto his wrists and pinning them over his head. He bent down and traced Dean’s lips with the tip of his tongue. Dean involuntarily buckled up towards Cas, who gasp and pressed their lips together and god, it felt like fire. 

Cas ripped at both their pants and pulled them down, making his erection brush against Dean’s and fuck, this wasn’t going to last very long. Cas’ hips rocked down to meet Dean’s, he was breathing hard into Dean’s mouth and it was unbelievably hot and Dean was getting way too close already, his mind spinning and he gripped at Cas’ thighs to keep himself grounded.

“Cas… Cas, I’m gonna…” he groaned and gasped when the little bastard put a hand at the base of Dean’s dick and clamped down. “Fuck!” he stuttered and Cas was actually laughing in his ear.

“You’re so impatient,” he murmured with his voice filled with, well, sex and Dean was so hard it was almost painful.

“Cas, fuck,” he gasped as Cas reached into his bedside table and pulled out a condom and a tube of lube, still clutching firmly around Dean.

“I have every intention to,” Cas answered him with far more self-control than Dean thought was fair, considering that Dean felt like he was losing it over and over again but still not at all and was entirely in Cas’ power.

Cas started working Dean open, unbearably slowly, while whispering small, almost inaudible sentences into his ear. 

“Cas, I’m ready, just… do it…” he wasn’t sure what was coming out of his mouth, because he just couldn’t take it any more, Cas hitting his prostate over and over again and kept him firmly from coming and Dean felt like he would turn into a supernova at any second. “Cas… please…”

The fingers slowly pulled out of him and when Cas position himself between Dean’s thighs the blue eyes locked on the green ones and Dean nodded eagerly, gripping his skinny hips and jerking them forward. When the movement made Cas push in just a few millimetres Cas gasped in surprise and Dean drew the pale hips even closer towards him, pulling him inside.

“Fuck, Dean,” Cas groaned and panted heavily with his eyes shut hard. “Fuck.”

“I thought that was your job,” Dean breathed and Cas’ eyes opened to stare at him with a mixture of annoyance and pure, hard arousal. He nodded and started moving, pushing in and pulling out slowly before he sped up bit by bit and also started moving his hand on Dean’s dick and Dean was pretty sure he was dying. He was rambling words without knowing what he was saying and gasping ‘more, more’ with every breath and Cas was right above him, eyes closed and all his features covered in pleasure and it was the most beautiful thing Dean had seen in his entire life. That last sight of Cas did it for him, made him loose it completely and he groaned out Cas’ name as he shot up into heaven. Somewhere he felt Cas shaking and then he winced Dean’s name and collapsed on top of his chest. He was still trembling slightly when Dean was back on solid ground enough to take in his surroundings. Cas was resting his forehead against his chest, panting and his head was moving with Dean’s deep breaths.

“Yeah, I definitely love uniforms,” Cas mumbled against his ribs and Dean couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped his mouth. Cas carefully pulled out and threw the condom away without even looking where it landed. Dean turned to his side, hugged Cas close and drifted off to sleep.

\-------

“Cas!” someone called from behind the door and banged it violently. “We’re out of beer!”

Cas stirred next to Dean and looked at his phone, which flashed 2 A.M. right in their faces. He sighed and pushed himself from Dean’s arms and out of the bed. He pulled on some sweatpants and opened the door with an annoyed look in his face. Dean pushed himself up on his elbows and peeked out to see who it was at the door. Three very drunk girls tumbled inside with loud giggles. 

“Wow, Cas, looking good!” one of them squealed and almost had her hands over his chest when he gripped her wrists and pushed her away, gently but determinately. The two others had stopped in the doorway to Cas’ bedroom, eyes growing wide when they first fell on Dean and then on the military clothes on the floor.

“Is there a soldier in your bed?” one of them asked with awe and Cas chuckled at them, looking fondly at Dean.

“So it seems.”

“Where can I get one?” the girl said and all of them burst into a huge fit of laughter. Cas pushed them towards the kitchen, sending an apologising look at Dean, who took the opportunity to get up and pull on his army pants. He went into the kitchen too, standing behind Cas and watched the girls rummage through his small fridge in the searched for alcohol. As one of them turned around to hug Cas in thank you with four beers in her hands her eyes fell on the scar on his side. Dean could feel Cas grow tense and making himself smaller, so he put a hand over the scar and leaned against Cas’ back, murmuring an ‘it’s okay’ in his ear. The girl was either too drunk or actually polite enough not to ask about the mark and she staggered towards the door with her friends close behind her.

“You should join us, Cassie!” she called behind her.

“Yeah, join us and bring your soldier!” her friends shouted and the almost fell over in giggles as the door closed behind them.

“Friends of yours?” Dean asked when Cas turned around to him. 

“Neighbours,” he sighed. He still looked sort of small and insecure and completely different from the guy who had Dean begging him for more just a few hours ago. Dean sorta wanted to punch them, except he didn’t hit girls, but right now it was damn tempting. 

“Hey,” he said and nudged Cas in the ribs. “You okay?”

“Yes, why wouldn’t I be?”

Dean just raised an eyebrow at him and Cas sighed. 

“I feel like I should have moved past feeling uncomfortable when people find out,” he said to the floor.

“Dude, you got shot. No one’s gonna expect you to just get over it.” Dean smiled softly at him and lifted his chin up. Cas’ insecure eyes met his and Dean stroked his forehead until that frown disappeared and Cas started smiling back at him. 

\-------

The months went by pretty much the same, Dean training hard and getting stronger, while driving to Cas’ as often as he could. Cas had also made it a habit to drive to Fort Jackson whenever he got the chance, which wasn’t very often because of all the studying he had to do. 

Suddenly a whole year had passed and one rainy day in mid September Dean was told to go to one of the supervisors’ office.

“Winchester,” his trainer greeted him with the same serious voice Cas used when he got frustrated with equations. “Have a seat.”

Dean sat down in the highly uncomfortable chair. Although what else would you expect from a military area really?

“I have looked through your results and you are one of the best we have here.”

“Thank you,” Dean said and started to get a tense feeling in his stomach. His file was on the table along with what looked like some kind of contract or agreement paper.

“As I am sure you’re aware of, things are getting worse in Afghanistan,” the old man continued and Dean definitely had a strange feeling in his stomach by now. “The army are planning to send another 300 hundred soldiers to an American base in Bagram and you are one of those being deployed. You’re expected to be ready to fly out from Washington DC on the 22nd.”

That was in three days. Dean tried to swallow through his very dry throat a few times. Damn. This was actually it. He was going somewhere to make a difference, just like he’d pictured himself doing so many times and just like his father had told him he would since he was just a kid. A jolt of excitement went through his stomach. 

“How long will I be there?” he asked and sat up straighter. 

“The deployment contract says two years,” his superior told him, watching him as if he was looking for any kind of weakness. Dean raised his chin and nodded.

“Where to I sign?”

\-------

It wasn’t until Dean stepped out of the office that it actually hit him. Two years. In a war. Apart from Cas. He put his hands on the back of his head and took a deep breath. Shit. And worse, he would actually have to tell everyone about it. Seriously shit. It was way too far to drive to Bobby’s so he decided that the best course of action to handle this as smoothly as possible was to drive to Cas, because the guy deserved to be told in person if Dean could help it, and just phone Sam and Bobby on the way. And also, by driving all the way to Cambridge he could still trick himself into thinking he wasn’t postponing the moment when he’d had to tell him, because he had a sinking feeling that Castiel would not take this well. So, yeah. That seemed like a good plan. 

He packed the ridiculously few items he would get to bring in a backpack and a duffle bag and applied to get a transfer from Boston to Washington on the day he was leaving, before he got in the car and started driving. After embarrassingly many hours he finally got up the courage to call his brother. That was just Dean Winchester in a nutshell; he could throw himself into a warzone without second thoughts, but calling his family and telling them he was leaving? Extremely hard to do. 

”Hi, Sammy,” Dean said when his brother picked up the phone. “Can I talk to you and Bobby for a minute?” 

“Yeah, sure,” Sam said. There were muffled noises in the background for a while and Dean used the pause to attempt to push the part sour feeling from the part inside him that was excited for what he was about to tell them.

“Ok, Dean, you’re on speaker,” Sam said and sounded a bit distant.

“Good to finally hear from you, boy,” Bobby grumped and Dean rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, yeah, I know, I suck at calling,” he muttered and used his shoulder to keep his phone at his ear while he geared up when he entered the new highway. 

“So, why did you call, Dean?” Sam asked. “Is everything okay?” 

“Yeah…” Dean started. “Well, I kinda need to tell you something.” He felt really nervous, like when he had to tell his Dad why he had a bunch of gay porn magazines at the bottom of his bag. 

“Okay…” Bobby said reluctantly from the other line.

Dean sucked in a breath and cleared his throat.

“I’m going to be deported,” he said. “In three days. To Afghanistan.” Several things happened at the same time. Sam shouted out a “what?!” in his ear while Bobby’s fist went down on the table, making Dean’s jump. 

“Like hell you will,” Bobby said. “You’re barely 20, you’re not gonna go into battle already.”

“It’s not technically a battle,” Dean tried, but Bobby interrupted him by calling him an idiot in ten different ways. 

“I’m ready, Bobby,” Dean said. “They deployed me and there’s not much I can do.”

Sam, who had been quiet so far, coughed gently.

“For how long?”

“Two years,” Dean sighed and felt terrible from hearing his little brothers upset voice. 

Sam fell silent again and Dean squirmed in agony. 

“We’ll be there to see you off.”

“It’s in Washington, Sammy, it’s a two days drive-“

“We’ll be there,” he said determinately and when Sam had set his mind on something, it always happened. 

“Thank you,” Dean said quietly and nodded even though they couldn’t see him.

“How did Cas take it?” Sam asked. 

Dean fell silent for a moment, keeping his eyes on the road. 

“I haven’t told him yet.”

“You haven’t- oh, okay…” Sam said. 

“Were you actually going to, idjit?” Bobby grumped. 

“Of course!” Dean lashed out. “I just thought… I’d call you first or something.”

There was silence in the other end before Bobby spoke up again.

“Just make sure you do it, boy! Wouldn’t be the first time you’d try and sneak your ass out of something.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dean said crankily. “Listen, I’ll talk to you later.”

“Take care, Dean,” Sam said before Dean hung up with a “you too, Sammy” and dialled Cas’ number instead, feeling very uneasy. 

“Hello, Dean.” Cas sounded tired, which probably wasn’t so strange since it was almost midnight. Dean suddenly wondered if it’d been stupid to drive all the way there without him knowing instead of just growing a pair and calling him earlier. There was a long and stretched out silence. God, why did this have to become so much harder the second he heard Cas’ raspy, sleepy voice?

“Did you call for any particular reason or…?”

“Yeah,” Dean hurried to say and turned off at the exit that said Cambridge. “Yeah I, eh… we kinda need to talk.”

“Talk?” Cas said and Dean realised that it totally sounded like the break-up-line.

“Yeah, no, I mean, I have to tell you something.”

“Okay…” Cas said slowly. “Should I be worried?”

“Not really,” Dean said with a tight throat. “I, eh… I’m actually on my way over so.”

“Okay,” Cas said again and Dean could practically hear how his mind was working inside that pretty little head. “I’ll see you in a bit then.”

“Yeah,” Dean said. “Bye.”

He hung up and threw the phone on the passenger seat. His fingers drummed against the wheel when he drove the last few miles to Cas’ house and for once, he had to make himself hurry up the stairs. He braced himself, putting on his trained-solider-self to keep himself from potentially just throwing himself in Cas’ arms and not letting go the minute he opened the door.

Cas was wearing a pair of gray sweatpants and a t-shirt with Dean’s bracelet around his wrist and his blue eyes watched Dean carefully. 

“Hello, Dean,” he said and stepped aside to let him in. Dean made sure to lean in and kiss him when he passed him, keeping a hand on his neck just below the dark hair. 

There were currently three unfinished tea mugs on the coffee table and the entire area around it was covered in book stacks and stray papers. 

They stood in front of each other in the middle of the room, Cas leaning slightly against the desk and Dean falling into military standing position.

“So…” Cas said and looked at him with nervous eyes. 

“Yeah,” Dean said and paused to find good words. In the end he just decided nothing’s better than the truth. “The thing I needed to tell you is that I’ve been called into duty. I’m being deported to Afghanistan.” He could swear that Cas stopped breathing, but Dean kept looking straight at him. 

“I knew it,” Cas whispered. 

“They need more men in the troops around the Bagram Security Zone.”

Cas crossed his arms over his chest, looking very judicial. 

“And you have to go there?”

“Yeah.”

“For how long?”

“Two years… possibly longer.”

Dean pushed away the feeling of his heart breaking as he watched Cas’ face turn from stern to petrified. 

“I’m sorry,” Dean said quietly. 

“Can’t someone else go? “

“That’s not how it works, Cas.”

“But you’re barely through your training!”

“Apparently I’m very good at what I do, you know.”

“But…” Cas stood up and clutched Dean’s forearms, starting to look desperate. “What if you actually get killed?”

“Yeah, that’s kinda in the damn job description,” Dean said without a trace of humour.

Cas stared at him with big eyes. 

“Can’t you just tell them no?”

“Cas, I have to do this!” Dean said and started to feel angry. For fuck’s sake, he’d been training for this. “There’s innocent people there and I can do something about it!”

“Why?! Why do you have to sacrifice yourself?”

“Cas, for fuck’s sake, I’m in the army! Risking your life is just part of the freaking deal.”

“Yes, but not now! Not after just one year!” Cas was looking downright furious by now.

“Cas, calm down, dammit,” Dean said. He tried to hold Cas still, but he just pulled free.

“I can come with you.”

“Hell, no!”

“Why not?”

“Because you’d be in danger! It’s a warzone.”

“Then why do you get to risk your life and I can’t do the same?”

“Because I’ve trained for this! I’m a soldier, goddammit!”

“Do you want to leave? Is that what this is about?! Did you want to break up and couldn’t find another way than going across the world to a war?” he yelled. 

“That’s fucking ridiculous and you know it!”

“What is it then? Are you suicidal?”

“For fuck’s sake, just stop it!!” 

“Then why would you leave me and perhaps never come back?!” Cas screamed at him. He seemed to deflate and sank to the floor, with his back leaning against the sofa and his head in his hands, elbows resting on his knees. Dean rubbed his forehead and sighed deeply. Why did everything have to get so fucking difficult? Hadn’t they been prepared for this somehow?

Dean kneeled between Cas’ feet and put his hands on his wrists, pulling them away from his face and then held them in his hands.

“Cas, I have to do this. I can actually save people there.”

Cas lifted his eyes and looked at him, pulling him closer towards him by his hands until Dean was practically kneeling between his thighs instead.

“I wouldn’t be able to handle it if you got killed,” Cas said quietly and moved his legs a bit closer around Dean’s waist. 

“You do know there’s a perfectly good chance I’ll come back alive, right?” He squeezed Cas’ hands in his and intertwined their fingers.

“Yes. Yes, of course.” Cas sighed. “This isn’t how it was supposed to happen.”

“Yeah, I know,” Dean said and pulled one hand free to rub his eyes. “I know it’s too soon and too sudden, but it’s something I have to do.” 

Cas’ eyes lingered on him. 

“Do you want us to break up?”

“What?! No! No, no, no, for fuck’s sake no!”

“You’ll be on the other side of the world and in a war. I’ll understand if you want to be disconnected.”

“You don’t want me to break up with you…right?” Dean said insecurely with his heart in his throat.

“No, of course not!” Cas leaned his forehead against Dean’s. “It’s just… a lot to grasp right now.”

“Yeah, I know,” Dean said. “To be honest, I’m not sure I’d be able to go there at all if I didn’t know you where here and safe until I get back.” He winced at how extremely lame and selfish he sounded. “Not that I expect you to just sit here and wait for me though. I’m sorry.”

“Dean,” Cas sighed and kissed the corner of his mouth, “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always be here when you come back.”

“Thanks, Cas.” He suddenly felt everything hit him, the weight of leaving his entire life, leaving Cas, in just a few days to have the responsibility to protect thousands of lives and he even allowed himself to feel scared. Cas put his hands on either side of Dean’s neck and pulled him even closer. Dean sniffed quietly and Cas’ arms went around his shoulders, hugging him against his chest. He was as good as sitting in Dean’s lap now altogether, with his knees firmly around his waist. 

“Are you sure you have to do this?” he asked softly. 

“Yeah,” Dean said against Cas’ neck. “I can’t back away now.”

Dean pulled away a few inches and met Cas’ eyes. He flickered his eyes towards Cas’ mouth and then his eyes again before he pressed their lips together. Cas pulled him closer again and Dean put his hands on his waist, feeling the scar underneath the fabric of his t-shirt.

“When do you have to leave?” Cas asked when they pulled apart.

“Three days.” Dean swallowed the large lump in his throat and when he looked up at Cas again his breathing got stuck. 

“In- in three-“ Cas couldn’t get the words out and just stared at him with wide eyes. “We only got three days before you leave and possible won’t come back again?”

“Schh, don’t say that.” Dean pushed his lips back against Cas’. “It’s not like they have any time to spare.”

Cas put his forehead against Dean’s shoulder and held him tightly. 

“Stop defending them,” he said against Dean’s t-shirt. “Please, just… stop.”

Dean held onto Cas just as hard, letting his desperation show by burying himself in the warmth from the other body and the breathing against his neck. 

“God, I love you, Cas,” he murmured. Castiel just stroke his nose against Dean’s neck, seemingly not able to say anything. There were a few minutes of silence.

“Can you at least stay tonight?” Cas whispered. 

“Yes,” Dean said and kissed his shoulder. “Sure.”

Cas huffed against his neck in what almost seemed like a hysterical laughter. He lifted his head and held his gaze, before he slowly got up from Dean’s lap and pulled him up with him. 

“I love you too,” he said and kissed Dean’s jaw several times. He pulled him with him into the bedroom, where Dean’s took off his jeans to sleep in his boxers and a t-shirt and they lay down together. Cas kissed him as much a he could, tracing his lips across his jaw and cheeks and finally lips. It wasn’t sexual though, just hurt and wanting to be as close as possible before they had to let go. Dean rolled onto his back, pulling Cas with him without breaking the kiss. Cas pulled both of their shirts off and lay back on top of his chest, holding on to him and breathing him in. Dean could feel tears in the back of his eyes and tried to force them away. They lay there for hours, just touching and breathing and sharing this small part of the universe for as long as they could.

\-------

“Promise me you’ll go on whatever happens,” Dean said on their last night together as they lay next to each other in Cas’ bed. They’d just had sex, but afterwards it didn’t feel satisfactory as like it used to, but more like miserable and desperate. 

“Dean…” Cas said and seemed to push back tears.

“Promise me.” Dean clutched Cas’ shoulder and almost shook him. “Please, Castiel.”

Cas looked like he was in so much pain and it was breaking every inch of Dean’s heart, but he had to know, had to be sure that Cas would live on however things turned out. Yes, chances were that Dean could maybe survive this and yes, he was probably overreacting but that large if hung above his head like a guillotine. 

“Okay,” Cas choked out eventually and a few tears slipped down his cheeks. He swiped them away with shaky fingers. Dean had always loved Cas’ fingers, how elegant they where and the way they hugged a tea mug or turned the pages of a book, stroking the leaves slightly. He picked both of Cas’ hands up and slowly kissed every one of his fingertips twice. Cas let a quiet sob slip out and he swallowed. When Dean had finished kissing his fingers he traced kisses up one of Cas’ arms, trying to remember the feeling of his soft skin and long muscles for later. When he reached his shoulder he kissed his way over his collarbones and then down his chest and his stomach, Cas breathing unsteadily and jerkily from holding tears back, until Dean reached the scar where the bullet had hit Cas almost two years ago. He stroke it slowly and then placed a small kiss on top of it. Memories of blood and a pale and dying Cas and a cold hospital flashed before his eyes and apparently they did in front of Cas’ eyes as well, because he broke down in sobs. Dean pushed himself up to the same level as Cas again and was instantly pulled in by strong arms, Cas holding onto him and Dean felt tears running down his own cheeks and land on Cas’ neck. He put his hands in Cas’ hair and Cas cried against his shoulder and held him flush against his naked chest. 

After about an hour Cas stopped crying, completely drained on energy, and smeared kisses all over Dean’s still-wet face. They fell asleep sometime during the hours just before dawn, still clutching to each other.

\-------

Dean had to get up early, since the plane would leave at 11.00 AM and he had to catch his transfer first. He got up and took a shower in Cas’ bathroom before he made some coffee. He thought about making a sandwich as well, but didn’t feel like he’d be able to get it down anyway. Cas shuffled through the bedroom door when Dean was pouring the coffee into mugs, but when Dean handed him one he just stared at it and put it down again. Dean downed his in about 7 seconds. They’d decided that they would say goodbye here and that Sam and Bobby would be the only ones waving him off at the military airport. Cas had told him that he thought the three of them deserved to be alone to say goodbye, but Dean suspected that Cas was afraid he’d break down at the airport. There’s no better place to cry your eyes out than at home, right?

Dean was, obviously, wearing his uniform and Cas had pulled on some sweatpants before coming out, but was still bare-chested. There was a couple of minutes of silence, with Dean leaning against the counter and Cas just standing in the middle of the kitchenette, looking out of place. Dean put his hands on Cas’ hipbones and pulled him closer. He kissed him on the mouth, slowly licking his lower lip and it made Cas’ breath hitch. Dean smiled a little against his lips, pretty proud that he could still make Cas react like that. 

“I should probably get going now,” Dean mumbled against the soft mouth. Cas nodded his head a little and Dean was so grateful that he didn’t ask him to stay, because he probably would have.

“I love you so fucking much,” Dean said and took a shaky breath, trying to compose himself. “Remember that, okay?”

“Yeah,” Cas breathed, holding on to Dean’s shoulders so hard it hurt. Not that Dean actually felt it right then. “I love you too. Wherever you are and whatever you do, I will always love you.”

Dean swallowed hard and didn’t trust himself to say anything, so he just nodded. He put his arms around Cas waist and held him flush against his body, kissing him over and over again. Finally he forced himself to look at his watch and realised that if he didn’t leave now he would miss the flight. And no matter how tempting that was, he had to go. He gently pushed Cas away, but held onto his hand as he walked to the door and flung his backpack over his shoulder. 

“Dean,” Cas said with desperation and pulled him to a halt. “Just… make sure you do everything you can to come back. Please?”

“Of course, Cas, of course I will,” Dean replied and kissed him hard at least ten times more. “I’ll try and call you when we get there, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Cas kissed him again, putting his hands on either side of his neck before Dean pulled away. He set his jaw, refused to tear up and walked through the door, not even daring to look back at the man who loved him even when he left him. 

\-------

The goodbye to Sam and Bobby at the airport in Washington was just as bad. Bobby was mostly quiet and stiff, like he’d sworn not to get emotional. Sammy on the other hand was hugging Dean tightly and looking at him with those hazel puppy eyes that had Dean tearing up again.

“I want to give you this,” Sam said and handed Dean a black leather necklace with a figure hanging from it. When Dean looked closer he saw that the amulet was in fact a small head with horns. “It’s supposed to heat up when you’re close to god,” Sam continued sheepishly, “I know you’re not religious or anything, but I thought it could, you know, protect you or something…” He trailed off and stared at the ground.

“I love it, Sammy,” Dean said tenderly and hung the amulet around his neck. “Thank you.”

He hugged his huge little brother and Bobby one more time, before he went through the check in. When he looked back they had both left. 

\-------

Dean was placed next to a skinny-looking guy in his own age on the plane and he silently wondered how the fuck someone so scrawny could be in the army, let alone be chosen to go to a warzone. He didn’t worry too much about it though, because flying? Not really his cup of tea.

“Hi,” the guy said. “Name’s Garth Fitzgerald IV.”

”Dean Winchester,” Dean replied and gave the Garth another sceptical once-over. 

“So… Afghanistan, huh?” Garth said. “First time you’re sent abroad?”

“Yeah,” Dean said and felt like this was gonna be a long flight. 

“Really,” Garth grinned and tried to puff himself up, failing miserably. “This is my third time.”

“Garth, leave the poor guy alone,” came a female, British voice from behind them. Dean turned around to see that it was a woman in her 30ies with short black hair and dark skin. 

“I’m Tamara,” she added with a smile at Dean. “If this moron won’t shut up, just ignore him.”

“Tamara, I’m just trying to carry on my hard-earned experience,” Garth whined and looked insulted.

“Yeah, yeah,” Tamara replied and slumped back in her seat with a smirk. 

\-------

They landed at the Bagram Airfield - which was situated about 400 miles north of Kabul, the capital of Afghanistan. When they got off the plane they were taken to large tent-like buildings where they would be staying when they weren’t out patrolling. The base was very big indeed, one of the largest US military base in the country, and included the Heathe N. Craig Joint Theater Hospital and had a dual-runway capable of handling any size military aircraft. There was about 300 people arriving with the same flight as Dean and it was a bit chaotic, but they were soldiers. If it was anything they could do, it was keeping it organised.

The woman taking them through everything, including layouts and orders, was called Corporal Visyak - a blonde, middle-aged lady who seemed to radiate authority. Dean wasn’t sure if he liked her or not - not that it mattered. When the presentation was done inside a large hall (the first thought that’d hit Dean when he walked in was that it looked like the Great Hall at Hogwarts; damn Sammy and his geeking.), the new soldiers were sent to their different barracks for some get to know some of the people you’re gonna live with for the next couple of years-time. Dean leaned against a wall inside what was some sort of hang out-room with a long table and a TV at the back. He was going to call the people at home when someone leaned against the wall too.

“Hi,” said the guy next to him. He had skin like dark chocolate and a bit of black beard around his mouth and chin. “I’m Gordon Walker. Did you just come here too?”

“Yeah. I’m Dean Winchester.”

“Nice to meet you, Dean.”

“Yeah, you too,” Dean said. There was something uncomfortably predatorily about the guy, but on the other hand, what soldier wasn’t predatorily? “I was actually gonna call some people.”

“Yeah, sure,” Gordon said and went to sit down at the edge of the long table, where some of the guys had started a slow conversation. 

Dean started off by calling Sam.

“Hello?” came his brother’s sleepy voice when he picked up. Dean realised he’d have to start thinking about time zones before calling people.

“Hey, Sammy, it’s me,” he said almost apologetic. 

“Dean? Oh my god, how are you? Is- is it… nice… over there?” Sam huffed sleepily from the other end. The reception was far from perfect, but at least Dean wouldn’t have to just send them letters.

“Just peachy,” Dean smirked. “It’s far better than most motels we’ve stayed at.”

Sam laughed a little and Dean could hear him shuffle around.

“That’s great, Dean. So no… war-y stuff going on yet?”

“Nope, all peace and quiet.”

“Great,” Sam replied a little lower.

Dean wanted to tell Sam he missed his stupid face already and that he kind of wished he was back home and watching TV with him at the moment, but obviously he didn’t because he was… well, Dean.

“Hey, I can’t talk for too long so,” he said instead.

“Yeah, sure,” Sam answered. “You wanna talk to Bobby?”

“He’s not gonna kill you for waking him?”

“Nah, I think he’s up.” Figures. It was a miracle that man wasn’t dead from sleep deprivation. 

“Ok, then,” Dean said. “Hey, Sammy?”

“Yeah?”

“Take care okay? Be a good girl and brush your teeth and don’t let the mean boys mess with you.” 

Sam snorted and Dean could hear the bitch face he was pulling.

“Yeah, you too, Dean.”

Dean smiled to himself and a few moments later Bobby’s voice was on the phone.

“You doin’ okay there, boy?” he said and actually didn’t sound that grumpy at all.

“Yeah, it’s all fine and rosy,” Dean said. 

“Good, good…”

“Hey, I can’t talk for long and I gotta call Cas too, but you take care of Sammy all right?”

“Please,” Bobby grunted, “I practically raised you two, idjit, if anyone can take care of that kid, it’s me.”

“Yeah, I know, Bobby,” Dean said a littler fonder.

“You look after yourself, boy,” Bobby told him sternly.

“Yeah, I will,” Dean said and hung up after a quick “bye”. He dialled Castiel’s number and waited for him to pick up. Dean smiled stupidly when his mind painted up the picture of a deep sleeping Cas and it stung a little when that image didn’t include Dean too.

“Yes?” came an incredibly deep and tired voice from the other end. Damn, Cas sounded like whiskey and motor oil and sex in one big mix and Dean almost got goose bumps.

“Hi, Cas, it’s me.”

“Dean?” Cas sounded much more awake. 

“Yeah. Did I wake you?”

“No, I actually haven’t gone to bed yet.”

Dean frowned.

“Dude, isn’t it like…” he did some quick counting in his head, “3 am for you?”

“… Ten past.”

“Cas, seriously, don’t you have classes or something?”

“I was worried and I couldn’t fall asleep,” he said reluctantly and Dean’s heart warmed.

“Dude, you’re making me homesick already.” He could hear Cas chuckle and Dean felt a small stab of pain in his chest from the familiar sound.

“Good,” Cas replied mercilessly and Dean grinned towards the wall.

“Jeez, Castiel, I love you too.”

Cas fell silent on the other end and Dean felt kind of stupid.

“So, eh… you go to sleep and I’ll call you when I can, ok?”

“No, Dean, wait!”

“What?”

“Have- have they told you anything about what you’ll have to do? Are you in danger?”

“No, we’re fine,” Dean said. He heard Cas scuffle around in what sounded like the kitchen, undoubtedly making a cup of tea. Seriously, he was gonna get an overdose on theine one day.

“Good,” Cas said again and sounded a bit hoarse this time. “Is it all right over there, then?”

“Sure. Only sad thing is that we can’t have phone sex,” Dean smirked at the wall. Cas laughed drowsily.

“Yeah, that’s a shame.”

There was a short pause, where Cas took a slow sip of the hot tea and Dean’s mind flashed images of his beautiful hands around the mug and how his hair was probably a huge mess and this was so not good for Dean’s homesickness. 

“Cas, I kinda need to hang up soon,” Dean said sadly. 

“Oh. Oh, ok.” There was another short pause. “I love you, Dean.”

“Yeah, I love you too,” Dean said and was very happy that Cas hung up first, because he really didn’t want to do it. 

“That your girlfriend, Winchester?” Gordon said when Dean sat down opposite him at the table.

“Boyfriend,” Dean corrected him, feeling a bit uncomfortable about the fact that he’d been listening.

“You’re gay?” Gordon asked and had the nerve to almost sound mockingly. It may be legal for homosexual people to join the army, but that didn’t make some people less douchy about it. 

“Is that a problem?” 

“No, no, just… wasn’t expecting it.” Gordon went back to the bigger conversation at the table and apparently the “gay people can be soldiers too?”-discussion was over for now. Dean didn’t miss the occasional glances that Gordon gave him though.

\-------

Dean only stayed at the larger base for a couple of days before he and some other guys were sent to Camp Eggers, another US military base located in Kabul. Things had started to stir, with more cases of shootings and outbreaks, so Dean and the others were assigned to patrol the streets with soldiers from the new base and simply make sure nothing escalated. 

One of the guys riding with Dean to Kabul was called Adam Milligan. He looked even younger than Dean and he couldn’t help but feel sorry for the kid. He did remind him a bit of Sammy. It also turned out that they were staying in the same barrack, so they ended up being sort of bonded. Another guy sharing their barrack and that had been at the base for almost 6 months already was called Benny Lafitte. Benny was large and calm and he and Dean connected immediately. 

The weeks started to come and go, turning into months. Dean exchanged letters to the people at home, along with occasional phone calls and texts. Sam had started dating some chick called Ruby who, according to Bobby, was nothing but bad news. Dean was very satisfied when he called Sam a few weeks later and his little brother had gone from babbling about her constantly to completely avoiding the subject, mumbling something about drugs and her getting arrested and how it was all over now anyway, how was your day, Dean? At least the kid was still doing good in school; Cas made sure of that through regular phone calls, ordered by Dean. 

Cas… seemed to be doing fine. Or at least that was what he told Dean every time he wrote, but Dean could hear that weariness creeping into his voice more and more between every call they made and he hated it. He was also afraid that Cas would grow tired of it, meet someone equally geeky and fantastic and dump Dean’s sorry ass, get hitched and adopt a bunch of perfect, clever kids. Every time he talked to Cas he almost waited for it, until he couldn’t hold it in any longer and in a moment of weakness spilled his entire guts over the phone. Cas had snorted, called him a big idiot and told him about the upcoming exam week instead, like Cas dumping him was too ridiculous to even mention. At least that had chased away a bit of the anxiety. 

The job itself was… beyond words. Well, there were plenty of words and Cas would’ve known them all, but Dean didn’t do words. He did action, and oh boy, didn’t he have his hands full.

His first kill had been systematic and unattached. It was just one of dozens of men causing big ass problems with guns they were never supposed to have access to. It had been aim, shoot, move on and not until that evening and four kills later did he realise what had happened. Needless to say he didn’t sleep much that night. This was pretty much how the time went; patrolling, watching, fighting and a few killings from time to time. Yes, it was rough, yes, it was hell on earth, but people can get used to pretty much anything if they have to. Not that “getting used to” might be the best expression towards how Dean felt about killing people. More like shutting down, shutting in and focusing on the job.

Suddenly more than a year had passed by, Dean getting more and more emotionally disconnected and moving through orders and death like it was nothing. It had been a devastatingly hot summer, followed by an equally hot autumn. Sam had started his final year at high school and talked about he would like to go to Stanford law school. He’d been really nervous about it when he told Dean, like he thought he would be mad at him for not following in the family military footsteps, but Dean had just been happy for him. The kid had no business at all in a place like this if Dean had anything to say about it. Bobby was holding up too, taking care of Sammy like always and yelling at Dean when too close bullets almost injured him, though he’d only actually gotten hit twice and neither of them had been vital. His boyfriend had of course freaked out completely each time.

Cas wasn’t doing so well, Bobby told him with a stern voice. He was getting through classes just fine, but emotionally… he was a wreck. Nothing Castiel would ever tell Dean about, obviously, but Bobby had made it his duty to check on his boyfriend once in a while and had somehow managed to break him into tears. Bobby had told him that ‘you better fix this, boy’ with that authorised tone of his and Dean had tried, but it wasn’t that easy when Cas was denying anything and everything and Dean didn’t want to push him too far. It was just really fucking complicated.

One day in late October, more than two years after Dean got deported, he and Adam were patrolling around a couple of blocks along with some other guys. It was colder than usual, but still sunny and the air was nice. The neighbourhood was more or less in ruins from several shootings and you would come across blood splatter on every other block. Dead bodies had just become a regular thing by now.

The army truck was parked a dozen feet down the street, with two of their buddies leaning against it, very much armed and waiting for the others to come back.

“No, man, dub step cannot be referred to as ‘real music’. It’s just noise.”

Adam snorted at him from where he was walking a bit in front of Dean. The others were walking a few feet behind them, probably growing tired of their never-ending discussion.

“Seriously, I think you’re just pissed off there’s good music that’s newer than the 70ies.”

“There’s nothing wrong with music from the 70ies!”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever you say,” Adam said and turned around to face Dean. He was still a few feet in front of Dean and he opened his mouth to say something more, but never got the chance. One second everything was fine and the next the car behind Adam blow up with a loud bang and sent scraps of metal and glass flying everywhere in a big burst of fire. Dean saw it all like it was happening in slow motion. While Adam was completely ripped apart right in front of him from the power from the bomb and all the metal flying through the air like sharp bullets, Dean was thrown into the air and landing hard on the ground a few feet back. He had Adams blood sprayed all over his uniform and his face and one large piece of metal came soaring through the air and slammed right into his deltoid muscle in his left shoulder along with a shower of smaller ones and a heat wave. It hurt like fucking hell and Dean’s had so much adrenaline pumping through his system he couldn’t think at all. He could feel blood running down his arm and his side and the jacket started clinging to his body, but he didn’t really register it. All he could think about was Adam, kind-hearted and brave, lying in front of him with half his head and back blown away and the rest of his body shattered. Around them were a couple of dead civilians, many more that were injured and the rest of them running in sheer panic and there were screaming everywhere. Someone gripped Dean, pulling him up and dragging him to a car while others from the team trying to get on top of the situation and getting everyone on the streets the hell out of there. That someone also put pressure on his shoulder without pulling out the piece of metal. Dean unfortunately didn’t pass out and had to suffer the pain from being driven roughly back to base.

\-------

A couple of hours later Dean was patched up with stitches and a large bandage covering his injured muscle. It hadn’t exactly been a clean cut, since the edges of the metal were all jagged, and it’s been a quite ugly wound, large and fleshy, but fortunately it hadn’t damaged the bone. Dean was called unfit for duty and sent back to Bagram Airfield to recover. 

When he was back in his old barrack he lay down on his bed and decided that this was probably one of those things you should report home about. Cas picked up after just one dial tone.

“Hey, Cas, it’s me,” Dean said and thought he sounded a bit hoarse. Which probably wasn’t that strange considering, but still. “I have some stuff I need to tell you.”

“What’s happened?” Cas instantly demanded.

“A bomb went off in a car when we were out on patrol duty today.”

“WHAT?”

“Yeah. Half the street was blown away.”

“Oh, shit. Are you hurt?”

“I got hit pretty badly in the shoulder, but it’s fine.” Dean paused for a moment. “Adam didn’t make it though.”

“Adam…?” Cas said and sounded close-bitten. “The younger guy?”

“Yeah, he… he got blown up right in front of me, Cas. He was completely ruined.”

“Oh, Dean…” Cas said and sounded so pained. Dean’s heart clutched and he took a deep breath, trying to push the image of Adam getting ripped apart out of his head. He didn’t succeed and suspected he would have that image right behind his eyes forever. There’d been casualties in their squad before, loads of them, but this felt so much different. God, he hated war so much right now. He hated himself for not being able to save Adam, hated whatever fucking terrorist who’d been behind this, who’d killed the guy that’d always reminded Dean of his little brother and, shit, he just hated everything right now with his entire soul and being. 

He took another deep breath, breathing through the fucking pain and the fucking anger and the fucking grief. 

“Dean?” came Cas’ anxious voice. “Dean, are you there?”

“Yeah. Yeah, sorry.”

“How injured are you?”

“It’s fine.”

“Dean.”

“Seriously, it’s fine.”

“Dean.”

“Okay, okay! My shoulder’s more or less messed up from a bit of flying metal and I got some minor cuttings from the explosion, but other than that I’m fine. Promise.”

There was a short silence.

“Can’t you come back soon?” Cas said quietly. Dean sighed deeply, sadness filling him up inside.

“Cas, I can’t.”

“I thought not. Are you at least safe now?”

“I’m back at Bagram, so yeah.”

There was another pause.

“I’m so sorry, Dean.”

“Me too,” Dean said softly. 

“Dean, I- is there something I can do? Anything?”

“No.” There was a suffocating hopelessness over the entire situation and Dean hated that too. “No, I don’t think so.”

“This is awful!” Cas said and sounded so distressed. “I just wish I could be there with you while you’re stuck in a war.”

“I’m having it easy, Cas,” Dean said and rubbed his eyes. “I’m not in direct battle, I’m just…”

“Just what, Dean? You got hurt, you saw someone die in an explosion and there are killings and missiles, so how is that any different from a battle?”

“Cas, just- just shut up,” Dean said more harshly than he’d expected to, but he couldn’t listen to him right now, he just couldn’t, not with everything spinning in his head. “Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Castiel said miserably and Dean hated himself a little bit more.

“I miss you, Cas.”

“I miss you too, Dean. Please, be careful.”

“Yeah. I will.”

“I love you so much,” Cas said with a choked up voice.

“I love you too.”

When Dean had hung up he took a moment and just lay in his bed, trying to collect himself before he picked up the phone again and called Sam and Bobby and told them about the injury. Bobby yelled at him a bit and Sam was mostly quiet, telling him how he had to take good care of himself and that he wished he’d come home soon. Dean hung up feeling even more miserable and wrecked than ever. 

\-------

Two weeks later he was back at Camp Eggers in Kabul. Dean wasn’t really supposed to be out on the streets yet, but he was going crazy with the rehabilitation and not being out there when there were bad guys to put an end to. Bad guys that also happened to have killed Adam.

It was hot for being November, almost 65 degrees, and Dean felt like he had dry dirt everywhere. There’d been more smaller bombings and they had to be on high alert for pretty much anything. Casually wandering around on the street was way off limits and whenever they went somewhere it was inside a military truck. 

Dean was sitting next to Benny in a car, scanning the streets for any kind of disturbance and keeping his automatic gun out the window, aimed towards the ground. Somewhere in the afternoon they got alert on a riot and shootings a few blocks away. They drove as close as they could and got out, hunching behind vehicles and buildings and spreading out to find the people shooting at them hiding in empty buildings and alleys. Dean crunched behind a civilian car, leaning his gun over the hood and shooting at a window with a gun sticking out through it. He stopped shooting at it when it stopped shooting at him and he was sure whoever was in there was taken care of and cautiously walked from behind the car and down the street for half a block. Bullets started flying around him again and he threw himself behind a wall, peeking out to fire back. There was a lonely guy on the opposite side of the street. The other guy moved and Dean realised he wouldn’t be able to keep his cover when the dickhead changed angle, so he fired openly at the guy, aiming to get him before he got Dean. He’s nerves were on edge with adrenaline, but he barely felt the urge to run for his fucking life at all anymore. When the wall didn’t cover him anymore he stepped out to get a better aim and felt a stab of pain when one of the bullets hit the bulletproof vest, right over his heart. He tumbled backwards and fell against a wall, landing on one knee.

Then something happened that wasn’t supposed to happen and it was so unlikely that Dean honestly didn’t think it had. When Dean fell and the other guy saw his chance and aimed his gun again and Dean was pretty sure this might just be it, a small girl come running from inside the building he was slammed against. She couldn’t have been more than five, barefoot and with her black hair soaring behind her as her small feet smattered against the asphalt. And just as the other guy lifted his gun and pulled the trigger, obviously unaware of the small figure running out on the street, the little girl, the little angel, stopped between Dean and the gun that started firing; making her small body shake with the bullets that hit her and she fell to the ground, creating a large pool of blood around her. Dean couldn’t remember if he screamed and he definitely didn’t remember shooting the guy, but he must have because when he snapped back into reality, the other guy was lying on the ground, dead.

Dean’s brain shut down, and he got up mechanically, left the small figure that’d saved his life on the street and moved on, moved away, ran down the streets with a loud pounding in his head and his own shallow breaths in his ears. He moved back a few streets towards the others in his team and crunched behind another car for a moment, breathing deep and refocusing, shutting away every form of emotion that was roaring inside him. When his mind was clearer he got back up and ran towards the sound of shooting. He hunched behind the corner of a house and saw Benny crunching behind the corner of the building opposite him and a bit down the street, shooting determinedly at at least two different targets. It sounded like he got one of them, but it resulted in him getting hit in the head by a large bit of concrete that fell from above him, not strong enough the handle the impact of that many bullets. Benny collapsed on the ground without getting up again and Dean sneaked across the street, managed to shoot the second enemy, who fell out of the window and landed on the street with a crash.

Dean kneeled down on the ground and put his gun down for a second as he tried to heave Benny up on his shoulder. When he looked up a second later a pair of dark brown eyes and an enemy uniform was staring right back at him from 50 feet away. He reached out for his weapon in pure instinct but he couldn’t lift it and fire. The guy staring at him barely seemed to be his own age, with blood streaming from his forehead and down his face and he looked just a scared as Dean felt, adrenaline rushing through his entire body and everything pulsing. This kid probably hated being here just as much as Dean did, hated the fighting and killing people they didn’t even know and he doubtlessly had a family waiting for him to come home. Hell, he might even have a boyfriend somewhere. 

Dean couldn’t kill him. He just couldn’t. He’d rather die. So he steadied his gun against the ground and used it to push himself up with Benny hanging from his shoulder. When he didn’t lift his gun the other guy didn’t lift his either and his eyes seemed to send a silent “thank you.” Then a bomb blew off a few blocks away and both of them flinched. The guy sent Dean one last look before he set off and disappeared down a street. Dean didn’t wait around to see him go, but started running towards a truck and threw Benny and himself in the backseat, and within a few second they were driving off towards the base.

\-------

Two hours later Dean was sitting on a gurney back at the military hospital at the Bagram Airfield and had his shoulder looked over. The stiches had gotten messed up in the battle and from supporting Benny’s entire weight on the shoulder. A middle aged and serious-looking nurse was putting a bandage on it before shooing him away, needing the space for another soldier and telling him the Corporal wanted to see him. When Dean went outside four guys were running by him with a woman in uniform on a stretcher and it looked like her entire leg had been blown off. He set his jaw and pushed down a rush of nausea, before he stalked off to his superior’s tent. He was let in immediately. 

“Winchester,” Corporal Visyak greeted him and waved him forwards. She was seated at a desk full of papers. 

“Corporal.”

Dean stood up straight and set his jaw, while her eyes travelled over him, stopping on his shoulder.

“I see you’re injury has taken a turn for the worse.” 

Dean was not expecting that comment at all and was dumbstruck for a second.

“Yes. I had to carry one of the men back to our vehicle and the stiches didn’t hold.”

Corporal Visyak nodded and leaned against the desk with her arms crossed over her chest.

“How long have you been deployed now, Winchester?”

“26 month, Ma’am.” Not that he was counting.

“I’m going to be honest with you, Winchester. You’re a good guy and a good soldier and I would rather never let you leave service. I actually knew your father when he was in the Coast Guard and he was determined and did whatever it took, just like you. But the fact remains that you’ve fulfilled your assigned time in duty - and still have a rather severe injury - and if you wish to, you can be separated from uniformed service with full annual leave credit. It’s your choice, Winchester.”

Dean nodded a bit at that, trying to process it. Being separated with full leave credit was pretty much as good as it could get.

“I would like to be separated, Corporal.”

“I understand,” she said and started digging through her papers, pulling out a form for him to sign. “Sign here and you will be authorized to go home.” 

“Yes, Ma’am,” Dean answered her and filled in the paper with slightly shaky fingers. He hadn’t let it show, but his heart had skipped a beat at the word ‘home’.

“There’s a plane flying to Washington next Sunday. You will go with it and we’ll order a transfer for you to wherever you wish to go.”

“Thank you, Ma’am.”

“Send Bobby Singer my regards if you happen to meet him,” she said and went back to going through her papers. 

“I will,” Dean said a bit surprised and took that as his note to leave the tent. When he stepped outside he drew in a deep breath and felt a new kind of freedom surround him.

He went inside the barrack to use the phone and pushed in the number to Sam’s cell.

“Hello?” Sam’s tired voice answered after a few dial tones. Dean realised that it must be really early in the morning in South Dakota, but this was kind of important so the little bitch would just have to suck it up.

“Hi, Sammy, it’s me.”

“Dean? Hi! Are- are you okey?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Listen, I gotta tell you something.”

“What, is something wrong?”

“No. Seriously, you worry too much, man.”

“Yeah, that usually happens when your brother is in a war,” Sam said and Dean could hear that bitch-face he was pulling. 

“Not anymore, Sammy. I’m- I’m coming home. I got my leave authorized and I’ll be on a plane back in a week.”

There were a few moments of silence in the other end.

“Sammy? You there, man?”

“Yeah, that’s- that’s great, Dean!” Sam said and sounded genuinely thrilled. “God, I can’t tell you how relieved I am. Was it because of the injury?” 

“Yeah, well… it helped,” Dean said and huffed out a laugh. It felt like he hadn’t laughed in years and finally he was allowed to. “Listen, Sammy, I gotta call Cas, but let Bobby know I called ok? And tell him I’ll be in touch later.”

“Yeah, sure, Dean,” Sam replied and sounded so excited. “We’ll throw you a huge party when you get home with tons of pie and beer and- and- and-“

“Don’t hurt yourself on all that oestrogen,” Dean said and Sam snorted. “It sounds great though,” he added a little softer.

“Awesome,” he could hear Sam smile, “talk to you later then.”

“Yeah, bye, Sammy,” Dean said and hung up. He quickly dialled Cas’ number. It took even longer for him to pick up than it had for Sam, but just like Dean, Sam was used to sleeping lightly. Not really something you could say about Cas.

“Hello?” came a raspy voice. Dean’s heart fluttered. 

“Hi, Castiel,” Dean said. “Sorry I woke you, but there’s something I have to tell you.”

“Are you hurt again?!” Cas instantly blurted out, sounding hysterical.

“No, calm down, I’m fine! I, eh- I’m going back to America.”

“You are?” 

“Yeah, I’m… I’m being separated. I’m coming home, Cas,” he said and got a lump in his throat. 

“Are you serious?” 

“Yes. I’m flying home in a week.”

There was a long silence on the other end and Dean could swear he was hearing Cas trying to stifle a sniff.

“Cas, are you- are you crying?” he asked a bit amused. 

“No,” Castiel lied and sniffled even more. 

“Oh, Cas,” Dean sighed and rubbed his face with a big stupid grin all over it. “I miss you so much, man.”

“I miss you too,” Cas choked out and Dean had to laugh at him. Jesus, he was gonna get hurt if he kept laughing like this. “I’m really glad you’re coming back.”

“Yeah, me too.”

There was a short pause again and he could hear Cas blow his nose.

“Castiel? I gotta go, but I’ll call you in a few days, okay?”

“Yes, okay,” Cas answered. “I love you.”

“Yeah, love you too,” Dean said and hung up, feeling a big weight lifting from his shoulders. 

\-------

When Dean got off the plane in Washington, Sam and Bobby was waiting for him. He’d chosen to skip the transfer in the last minute, wanting to go to Cas immediately but not making Bobby drive for longer than necessary. Sam was now at Stanford, which was literarily on the other side of the country, but his geeky little brother had taken a flight all the way to Washington for him. He really was the best. It felt so weird to be back; so strange to read signs in English and when he first got off the flight he almost started talking in Persian with the woman in security.

Sam had grown at lest two more inches since he’d last seen him and damn that kid was tall. It didn’t keep Dean from throwing his arms around his little brother and hug him tightly though. He embraced Bobby as well, patting him roughly on the back before they started to walk towards the parking lot. Dean was still in his uniform, obviously, and got a few stares he dearly didn’t want on the way out. When they got outside Dean noticed that next to Bobby’s truck was the black, shining Impala.

“Oh, baby,” Dean said and stroked the roof. “Looks like you actually didn’t ruin her, Sammy.”

“FYI, I’ve been taking care of her perfectly,” Sam told him.

“Bitch.”

“Jerk!”

Dean turned around and grinned at his brother, who grinned back. 

“We thought you’d want to make that little detour to Harvard in your own car,” Bobby said. Dean nodded and threw the duffle bag in the backseat. 

“Yeah, definitely,” he said and reached out his hand to grab the keys Sam was offering him.

“It’s good to have you back, son,” Bobby said and patted him on the back before he and Sam got in the truck and drove away to their motel. 

Dean got in the front seat of his beloved car and sat there for a moment, just enjoying the familiar smell and the feeling of the steering wheel under his hands and was overwhelmed by a feeling of home. He started up the engine and felt a flutter in his stomach as he backed out and headed north. He hadn’t told Cas he was coming there straight after landing because he hadn’t been able to get a reception when he’d tried, his phone freaking out from having to change satellite, so in the end he just decided to surprise him. A bit cruel, perhaps, but he was too tired to worry about it.

Sam had put on some crappy indie music while he had the car and Dean almost had a heart attack when he turned on the radio and got Imagine Dragons instead of Metallica or AC/DC or anything decent. He quickly put in a tape and felt much more at ease when Led Zeppelin played through the entire car. 

About 5 hours later he pulled up outside Cas’ building and darted up the stairs. He knocked the door gently, not wanting to wake anyone else in the same corridor. He had to knock at least three times before someone on the other side fumbled with the lock and slowly pulled the door open. Cas was standing before him, dark, messy hair everywhere, a bit of stubble and in a t-shirt and boxer shorts. He still had Dean’s bracelet around his wrist. He froze with one hand on the doorknob, staring at Dean with large eyes that where ridiculously blue in the weird light in the corridor. 

“Is this a dream?” he asked finally.

“I definitely hope not,” Dean chuckled. Cas took a step towards him and reached out his hands. Cas seemed to have grown up while he’d been away, leaving the high school boy completely behind him and now looked like the young man he was. Dean supposed the same thing applied to him, with months of suffering and death now weighing on him. Cas’ fingers gently stroke Dean’s cheek, as if he wanted to make sure he was real. Cas’ skin was cold against Dean’s flushed face and when his fingers trailed towards his jaw Dean turned his head a bit and kissed his fingertips. The hand stopped dead and Cas expression changed from looking like he’d seen a ghost to happiness and excruciating longing in a big mix. Dean threw his arms around Cas’ shoulders and hugged him tight, breathing him in and feeling his warmth through his clothes and Cas wrapped his arms around his waist and fisted the back of his uniform jacket. Cas pulled him inside and pushed him against the door the minute it shut behind them, pressing their lips together and whimpering in the rush of emotions. Dean kissed him back furiously, gripping the soft hair he’d been longing for all those lonely nights in an army tent. Cas’ hands pushed against his stomach and his chest and then they started to tug at his jacket, pulling it open and pushing it off him. Castiel threw it on the floor with rage, like it had personally insulted him. 

“I hate uniforms,” he declared and panted heavily. Dean smiled at him and leaned their foreheads together, cupping his face and brushing his thumbs against Cas’ raspy cheeks. 

“Yeah, I think I do too,” he said and for the first time, Cas smiled at him. Dean leaned in and pushed their lips together again, putting his hands on Cas’ lower back and flipped them around, so he was the one pushing Cas against the door. He gripped his legs and hauled him up - his shoulder protesting but he just told it to fuck off - making Cas yelp and wrap his legs tightly around his waist. 

“Fuck, I love you, I love you, I love you,” Dean murmured and Cas made a choking sound. 

“I can’t believe you’re here,” he whispered without ever stopping kissing him, “I can’t believe you’re home.”

Dean just made an mmpf-sound in reply and stuck his tongue inside Cas’ mouth, loving the feeling of Cas’ tongue against his. He could feel himself getting hard, his chest aching with longing, and when Cas moved against him, he could feel he was too. Dean tightened his grip on Cas and lifted him higher up to walk them both into the bedroom, pushing Cas down on the bed and crawling right after him. They quickly lost the rest of the clothes, Dean moaning when he felt burning skin against his own, and they pushed together in every way they could, wanting to be close, be so fucking close Dean thought he was gonna lose his mind.

Dean came with a cry and slumped back on top of Cas, pulling out and throwing the condom in the direction of the rubbish bin in the corner of the room. He wasn’t sure if he’d aimed right and he certainly didn’t care. He stretched down and found his old army t-shirt on the floor, using it to clean them off and then throwing it back over the edge of the bed. He was so tired, so sleepy, and Cas was warm and soft and comforting underneath him. Cas stroked lazy circles between his shoulder blades with one hand and caressed the skin over the bandage with his other. Dean fell asleep with his nose in the crook of Cas’ neck, feeling more at home than ever.

\-------

He stayed in Cambridge after that, not having anywhere else to go when he didn’t feel like going to Bobby’s. Cas still had to go to classes and study, but he seemed relieved to have Dean back on safe ground even if he had to be at the university for most of his free time. If felt so damn familiar it was almost strange. Cas studied at home when he could and when he needed to go to the library Dean usually went with him for a while. When the quietness grew too thick around him, Dean went around the city, trying to accommodate himself with walking around without a safety vest and not looking for armed men at every other corner. It was definitely difficult, but it was okay for the first week as long as he could cuddle up and sleep with Castiel close every night. But after that first week, the nightmares started. 

His mind had probably been too occupied with trying to grasp the concept of being home, so it wasn’t until he got over the first shockwave of a normal, American life that his mind started to bring back all the reason’s why he wasn’t living a normal life and wasn’t sure if he ever could again. 

He’d sit up with a jerk in the middle of the night, having learned to stay noiseless no matter what from living in the same room as ten other guys, even if you were woken up with images of a dying child or demolished bodies before your eyes and being unable to breath in some kind of almost-panic attack. Mostly Cas would just stir and stretch out for him in his sleep and Dean would lie back down next to him and push back tears and trying not to hyperventilate until he drifted to sleep again after a few hours.

On the sixth night of reliving his hell during the night Dean stumbled out of the bed, fully unable to breath, pulled on a pair of jeans lying on the floor and fled out the door and down the stairs. Once he was outside in the cool night air he sat down on the edge of the pavement and buried his face in his hands. He tried to pull in slow, deep breaths and stop shaking with the adrenaline pumping through his body like he was in heavy battle again. He felt so tired and hopelessly shattered and dear god, if he didn’t just want to die right now. He heard the door open behind him and Cas calling out a questioning ‘Dean?’. Cas’ feet smattered against the pavement as he hurried over to Dean’s hunched figure and threw his arms around him, holding him tight and resting his forehead against the back of his neck. Dean was still sitting with his face in his hands and was still trembling. 

“I feel like I’m going insane, Cas,” he said quietly. 

“Schh,” Cas whispered and put his chin on Dean’s shoulder. “You’re going to be ok.”

“I can’t to it, Cas,” he could feel himself starting to shake again and tears burning behind his eyes. “I’m not strong enough.”

Cas went around him, kneeled between his legs and pulled him close to his chest, rocking him slightly as tears started rolling down Dean’s cheeks. Dean put his arms around him, pulling him harder to him and knowing he was probably almost suffocating him, but Cas didn’t complain and Dean didn’t want to let go. He lost track of how long they stayed in that position but after a while it started raining heavily, slowly waking Dean from his introvert state from the aftermath of the panic attack. He looked up and saw Cas looking down at him, his hair flat against his forehead from all the rain. Dean realised Cas was completely soaked - and he probably was too - so he pulled them both up, feeling stiff from staying still in the cold rain. He started to pull Cas with him towards the door, but Cas tugged at his arm and made him stop.

“Dean,” he said with a raspy voice, but didn’t seem to know how to continue, so he just stood there, holding on to Dean’s arm and looking pleadingly at him. Dean went back, pulled him close again and kissed his lips over and over again, stroking his wet hair away from his face. Cas whimpered a little bit and held on tight around Dean’s lower back.

“I’m sorry, Cas. I’m sorry,” Dean said and felt terribly for putting his boyfriend through this, for carrying so much back with him to taint their life with.

“No, no, no,” Cas said and broke the kiss to search for Dean’s eyes. When he refused to meet them, Cas put one hand on Dean’s chin and made him look at him. “Do not apologise for anything. Do you hear me?”

Dean just looked at him, looked into his determined eyes. He nodded reluctantly and Cas kissed him one more time before they went inside, threw away their wet pants and dried themselves off. Then they got into bed again, naked, and Castiel intertwined their fingers and laid his head on Dean’s uninjured shoulder, which almost made them lie chest to chest, like they used to. Dean sighed and kissed the top of Cas’ head. After a while he felt him fall asleep, ribcage expanding and contract against his own. Dean stayed there for the rest of the night, staring up at the ceiling without even daring to close his eyes. 

\-------

Dean was getting more and more worn out from the lack of sleep. His mind was starting to play tricks on him too, like if someone dropped something his first thought would be that it was a bullet or if Cas accidentally woke him from his troubled sleep he would instinctively reach for his gun that’s wasn’t lying beneath the bed anymore. Small spaces and loud and crowded areas had become almost impossible for him to deal with and he ended up hyperventilating somewhere every time. Sam phoned him practically every day, which he thought was great, except that Dean suspected that Cas had told his brother about his nightmares and sleep shortage. He was getting what felt like a chronic headache and when downing coffee like it was his last moment in life didn’t help he started turning to booze instead. He and Cas had had a fight about it one night, which ended up with Cas cornering him a bit too much and Dean almost losing it, shoving him roughly against a wall and almost punching him. They’d made up before going to bed, Cas holding Dean and telling him it wasn’t his fault, but Dean still felt so lousy and guilty about it that when he woke at 4 A.M. from seeing that little girl shaking from the impact of bullets as clearly as the day it’d happened, he did the only thing he could think of. He ran.

He silently pulled on some jeans, a t-shirt, hauled his still-packed duffle bag over his shoulder and headed for the door. Cas made some small noise in his sleep, but Dean didn’t hear him, didn’t want to hear him.

He got in the Impala and drove away as fast as he could. Without knowing why, he headed straight northwest, towards the centre of the country and away from the boarders. He just drove and drove for hours without slowing down or stopping even once. When the sun started raising his phone rang over and over again, displaying Cas’ name, but Dean couldn’t handle it so he turned it off and put it in the glove compartment. Around noon he started to feel dizzy, so he stopped at a gas station to buy water and cigarettes. He didn’t usually smoke, but right now it felt like the most tempting thing in the world. 

After driving until about 10 P.M. he stopped at another gas station and bought as much beer as he could get away with before he checked in to a motel he didn’t even notice the name of. Then he drank until he passed out on the bed and finally rested without any dreams.

\------

Dean woke up late the next morning feeling like complete crap and he spent a good two hours leaning his head against the toilet. Then he collapsed on the bed again, drank another beer and didn’t bother to open his eyes again for the rest of the day. The next morning his neglected stomach started to make itself known, growling loudly. Dean decided it was time to check out and he got a takeaway sandwich from a nearby diner before he got back on the road again. He didn’t even know what he was chewing on, only that it tasted like nothing and felt impossible to swallow. He threw it on the floor on the passenger seat and just kept on driving, pulling out a beer from the bag.

This continued for a good 9 days; driving around the entire country, checking in to random motels, drinking until he fell unconscious and then getting back on the road again. On day 10 he remembered that he’d left his phone turned off in the car and reluctantly picked it out as he went into the motel of the evening and turned it on, thinking he should probably text Sam and let someone know he was alive. When the screen lit up he saw that he had 27 unread messages, both from Cas and Sam, and 19 missed calls. He was in the middle of writing a “I’m alive”- text to Sam when his phone started ringing. Cas’ name flashed before his eyes like huge neon letters and he almost pressed the decline button, before he felt guilty about that too. He remembered in the back of his head how he had felt when Cas had disappeared without a trace for only two days and just couldn’t bring himself to intentionally avoid him any longer.

So he clicked the answer button instead.

“Hello?” he said and his voice was all rough from not talking in days.

“DEAN!” Cas yelled. “Dean, where the hell are you?! I thought you’d killed yourself, you son of a bitch, how dare you disappear on me like that?!”

Dean had never heard Cas so angry in his life. He sounded completely wrecked. 

“I- I’m sorry-“ he stuttered.

“You’re sorry? Damn it, Dean, do you know how worried I’ve been, how worried we’ve been?!”

“No, I-“ 

“Sam’s been freaking out and Bobby’s been to practically every police station in the entire country! How could you do this? How could you do this to me?”

“Cas, please…” Dean murmured, feeling his headache returning.

“No, you are not getting away with this, do you hear me? I am not going to let you run away like this.”

“I’m not-“ 

“Tell me where you are, Dean.”

“Cas-“

“I SAID TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE!”

“Motel 6 in Pecos, Texas,” Dean sighed and rubbed his pounding forehead.

“Are you going to come back? Or at least go to Bobby’s?”

“I can’t,” Dean said firmly. 

“Then you will stay right where you are.”

“Cas, no, I need to be away from you!”

“Why?”

“For fuck’s sake, Cas, I’m damaged! I’m so fucking damaged and I can’t put that on you!” Dean yelled into the phone and slumped down on the bed.

“Dean, listen to me. I will not let you run away from me, do you hear me? If you’re damaged then I will help you, but I can’t if you keep running. So please, Dean, please, just stay where you are.”

“It’s a 30 hours drive, Cas,” Dean said tiredly.

“I’m only five hours away.”

“What?”

“I’ll explain later. Just stay where you are.”

He hung up and Dean threw the phone on the floor, making different electrical pieces bounce out and land two feet away from the rest of the phone. So much for texting Sammy. After grabbing another beer he slumped back on the bed and tried to force the headache out of his system.

\-------

Cas pulled up outside late that evening in a silver Toyota he must have borrowed from someone. Dean had moved to lean against the open door when he saw him coming, clutching like the fifth beer or something. Cas slammed the car door and stopped in front of Dean, looking like he wasn’t sure if he wanted to kill him or throw himself in his arms. Dean stared down at the ground and waited for the ‘I hate you, let’s break up’-talk he was pretty sure would come any second now. Instead Cas pushed him inside, firmly took the beer away from him before he pulled Dean into a tight hug, fisting the back of his shirt.

“Damn you, Dean,” he whispered against Dean’s neck. “I thought you were dead. I thought gone somewhere and shot yourself or- or-“ The words got stuck in his throat and he drew in a shaky breath. Dean leaned his forehead against Cas’ shoulder and gave up on trying to hold himself together. Everything just hurt so badly he couldn’t take it anymore.

“I’m so sorry, Castiel,” he sighed. “I’m so, so sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”

“Yes, I know, I know,” Cas murmured and kissed his neckline. “Just don’t ever do that to me again.”

“I won’t, I promise. I won’t leave you again.” He drew a deep breath, preparing for the worst. “Unless you want me to leave.” He lifted his head and Cas looked so hurt, the blue eyes radiated from it. “I would completely understand if you want me to, I really would.”

“No,” Cas said and his voice was shaking. “Please, don’t leave me, please.”

Dean got a flashback from a night when Cas was in the hospital after being shot and he was begging Dean to stay and he promised he’d never leave him. He swallowed hard and felt really guilty again. Not only had he left him for more than two years to fight a stupid, meaningless war, not being able to help anyone like he’d wanted to. No, he’d left him again when he came back because he was so freaking scared. 

“Never,” Dean replied and kissed his cheek. “I won’t break my promise this time.”

“Thank you,” Cas murmured and presses his lips against Dean’s jaw. “God, I was so scared.”

“I’m really sorry.”

“Stop saying that. I understand, you freaked out.” He sighed. “I only wish I would have been there to help you earlier.” 

“You did help me, Cas,” Dean put his hands in his hair and brushed through it. “Why do you think I’m still alive?”

Cas pressed a needy kiss against his lips.

“I love you, Dean, even if you’re damaged.”

“I love you too, angel.”

Cas actually laughed weakly against his lips at that and Dean smiled, feeling tremendously relieved. He still had Cas, after everything horrible that’d happened and after everything he’d done, Cas was still his and still with him. 

“How come you were only five hours away?” Dean asked. The blue eyes flickered up to his for a second before they fell on his hands.

“I tried to follow you and maybe find you before… something happened.”

“I wouldn’t actually kill myself, you know,” Dean murmured. It wasn’t entirely true. He had considered it in moments of weakness, but not anymore. Cas seemed to get it though.

“I’m glad to hear that.”

“And you went out to find me?” Dean asked, because it sounded so incredible. “Aren’t you missing like a ton a classes right now?”

“Yeah, probably,” Cas said and flashed a bit of white teeth. “But I couldn’t just sit at home and wait.”

There was a silence and Dean caught a glimpse of Cas’ collarbone peeking out from the top of his shirt and he traced a thumb along it and kissed Cas’ stubble-covered jaw. Cas sighed, sending a small puff of air against his cheek and Dean moved to kiss his mouth instead. Cas’ hands came to rest on Dean’s chest as his lips melted against his.

“Since it’s late and you’re not driving anywhere,” Cas said and nodded towards the beer, “I took the liberty of bringing some food. In case you want it.”

Dean stared at him for a moment, this perfect human being that kept blowing his mind with such simple stuff like diner food and he fisted his hands in the back of Cas’ white, wonderful, well-known dress shirt and pulled him flush against him, holding him and touching him, whispering a ‘I love you’ with every kiss he put in his face and Cas let out one of those rare, tiny giggles and Jesus Christ, Dean wanted to cry.

Cas gently pulled lose to go and bring two burgers and some coffee from his borrowed car and went inside to slump down on Dean’s bed like he owned it - Dean had no problem with that whatsoever - leaning his back against the wall and kicking his shoes off. Dean placed himself next to him and accepted the paper bag Cas put in his lap. They ate for a while, shoulders leaning together, until Cas started to grow quiet with an absentminded look on his face. Dean knew exactly what was moving inside Cas’ head when he got introvert like that and put down the rest of his food on the floor to straddle Cas’ legs and put his hands on his barely moving chest. Cas’ eyes snapped up to him and he inhaled slowly. Dean stroked a hand over his cheek and told him nothing was his fault, it’s okay, man, I’m here now, we’re okay. Cas leaned their foreheads together, whispering apologies until Dean pushed their lips together just to make him stop. 

That night Dean fell asleep with a sweaty Cas against his healthy shoulder and didn’t have one single bad dream during the entire night. 

\-------

Dean decided to move back to Bobby’s after that. It seemed like a reasonable thing to do, now that Sammy had moved out and also it would give him time to figure out what to do. Cas was okay with him moving. He didn’t seem to like being away from Dean particularly much, but knew it was all for the best. 

Dean worked at bit at Bobby’s garage, just so he’d have something to do. The nightmares continued to appear almost every night, but as the time passed the dream-free intervals increased. Balthazar had called Dean once or twice, checking up on him and even Gabriel showed up on his doorstep one day with an obscenely large basket of candy. Dean knew he meant well.

Suddenly it was spring break and both Sam and Castiel were coming home. Dean was getting flutters in his stomach and Jesus, he felt like a teenager - which actually wasn’t that bad. His little brother had arrived two days ago, looking far too grown up for Dean’s liking and babbling about some girl called Jessica. At least she seemed to be far better than Ruby, so Dean was pleased.

It was a hot day and he was working on a car in Bobby’s scrapyard. He’d pulled his shirt off somewhere around noon when the sun became too hot for clothes and whished he could pull off his jeans too, although Bobby probably wouldn’t be too fond of that idea, so he didn’t. He was on his back underneath an engine, trying to fix an oil leak when he heard Sam calling. The quick steps were coming closer and by the time he rolled out from underneath the car, Sam the Giant was hovering over him with a stupid smile.

“What?” Dean said.

“It’s a surprise,” Sam replied and grinned even bigger.

“Then I don’t care,” Dean muttered and almost pushed himself back underneath the car again when Sam grabbed his ankle.

“Oh, you’ll care,” he said. Dean rolled his eyes and got up to follow Sam. He had oil pretty much everywhere and tried to wipe his hands on his jeans, which didn’t do him any good at all. When he got closer to the house his eyes grew large. Castiel was sitting on steps on the porch, in his almost-tight black jeans and white shirt, leaning his back against the railing. Dean’s stomach made a flip and his pulse started pounding faster. When Dean moved closer Cas looked up and was instantly on his feet with a smile that made his eyes sparkle and walked towards him. Dean pulled him into a tight hug and pressed their lips together. Sam, bless that child, sneaked inside without even looking back, so Dean let go of all barriers, putting his hands in Cas’ hair and angling his head to deepen the kiss. Cas’ hands where on his back, pulling him firmly against him, and a small noise escaped that delicious lip Dean had between his teeth and oh god, he was getting hot. Dean forced himself to pull away, because he was pretty sure another thing Bobby wouldn’t approve of would be them having sex on one of his cars.

Way too late he remembered that he was covered in grease and dirt and when he put his hands on Cas’ shoulder to push him back and take a look at him, he noticed that his boyfriend now was too. 

“Shit,” Dean said and laughed a little. Cas looked down and huffed out a little ‘oh’ when he saw the front of his shirt all messed up. 

“Sorry,” Dean murmured with a small smile.

“It’s nothing,” Cas said dispassionately and then looked up with a mischievous look on his face. “I can’t exactly say I’m complaining about your current state,” he hummed and traced his hands down Dean’s chest, making him shiver. “I’m starting to think I should spend more time here while you’re working.”

“Yeah, you could always help me out and get all greased up too,” Dean said and smeared a bit more oil in his face with a teasing grin.

“Hey!” Cas yelped and tried to duck away, only managing to trip over himself and pull Dean down with him, completely ungracefully. Cas started to chortle and let his head fall back against the ground and Dean felt laughter burst through his chest too and just lay there, sprawled over Cas, and laughed. 

“God, I’ve missed you, Dean,” Cas said as he started to calm down again and wiped tears from his eyes. Dean gently rubbed his thumb over the smudge on Cas’ face, only making it smear out more, and leaned down to kiss him instead.

“I’ve missed you too, Castiel,” he smirked and pulled away an inch from Cas’ face. Cas’ eyes twinkled and he grinned back up at Dean, putting his hands behind his neck and pulling him down again. Cas traced his lips with the tip of his tongue, running his hands down his side to his hips at the same time and Dean’s breath started hitching. The fact that they were lying on the dusty ground outside Bobby’s house seemed very irrelevant, especially when Dean’s hands found their way up Cas’ shirt on their own accord and Cas let a gasp out into his mouth. Dean pulled back with a hmpf and swallowed hard. The blue eyes staring up at him were slightly widened and glowing at him.

“I should probably get cleaned up,” Dean said and pulled them to their feet. If they didn’t stop now he’d be forced to use one of the cars and then Bobby would most definitely kick him out forever.

“Do you have to?” Cas said with a quirk of an eyebrow and traced Dean’s oily chest with his fingertips once more. 

“You pervy little bastard,” Dean smirked and slapped him on the ass before walking inside. 

Sam was, of course, all over Cas the minute he walked in and it’s was disturbing how fast the two of them started talking about schoolwork and books and just generally every geeky thing Dean could think of. Cas sat up in the kitchen counter next to where Sam was leaning and Dean felt like a child for feeling left out, so he just darted up the stairs instead. When he got out of the quick shower, put on clean pants and walked into his bedroom, he found Castiel sitting on top of his old desk.

“Hey, handsome,” Dean said and started rooting through his drawers for some clothes. He’d managed to grab a t-shirt by the time he felt arms around his waist and Cas resting his chin on his shoulder. The wound on his shoulder had completely healed by now, leaving a rather ugly scar though, and Cas ran his fingers over it. Dean’s entire arm tingled from the sensitive skin being touched. He turned around and kissed Cas’ jaw.

“You’re gonna need a new shirt,” Dean said and went through his drawers a bit more before pulling up a dark green plaited shirt. He gave it to Cas, who gave him an odd look, but didn’t say anything as he changed his own shirt for the new one. It was too big for him, making his collarbones deliciously exposed and when he rolled up the sleeves to his elbows, Dean just wanted to devour him. He bent down and pressed his lips against Cas’ neck, trailing his tongue down until he reach one of those tasty bones at the base of his neck. Cas sighed and ran his hands over Dean’s stomach. Dean’s pants was already starting to feel too small, especially from being almost hard before, and he lightly pushed Cas backwards until his legs hit the bed and he fell backwards onto it, propping himself up on his elbows. Dean drank him in, all messy hair, clean-shaven, wearing Dean’s clothes and worrying his lower lip between his teeth and wow. Just wow. It was just going straight to Dean’s dick.

“Dean, we’re going out to get food!” Sam yelled from downstairs.

“Perfect,” Dean murmured and Cas chuckled up at him. Dean climbed on top of him, one knee between his legs and the other next to his hip, and captured that beautiful lip between his own.

“Mmm, Dean…” Cas sighed and Dean shivered all over. He felt Cas’ hands on his back, pulling him down lower until he was practically lying on top of him. Cas shifted his hips underneath him, making him gasp, and Dean started unbuttoning Cas’ - his shirt. Cas panted hot breaths against his lips, putting a hand on Dean’s neck and sneaking his tongue inside Dean’s mouth. Dean pushed the shirt off his shoulders, letting his hands wander all over them, down his arms and finally resting on the back of his hands, pulling them above his head. He broke the kiss to move his mouth to one of Cas’ wrist, licking it slowly and Cas’ eyes fell shut with a moan. Dean brushed his lips over it, nudging his nose into the palm of Cas’ hand and felt hot breaths against his neck. When he turned his head Cas was looking at him, eyes in complete wonder and love and Dean’s heart swelled up as he brought his lips back to Cas’. 

“I love you,” he whispered and Cas whimpered into his mouth.

“I love you too,” he breathed and trailed his hands from Dean’s grasp and all the way down Dean’s front to unbuckle his belt and work on getting his jeans open. Dean deepened the kiss, moving a hand to cup his jaw and massaging it with a thumb. He let the other hand fall down to Cas’ neck, slowly stroking the sensitive skin above his collarbone. Cas’ breath hitched and he broke the kiss to take two deep breaths before he dived right back again. Dean moved his hands further down, grabbing Cas’ thighs in those deliciously tight jeans and pulling his legs up around his waist, moving his hands to his ass instead. Seriously, those jeans were like magic.

Cas finally managed to pull Dean’s jeans down along with his boxer shorts in one swift motion and Dean started working on getting Cas’ jeans off him too. He really liked Cas in those jeans, but he loved him without them. After he pulled them off him, he pressed close, grinding against him and Dean let out a groan at the hot, wonderful friction. Cas was pretty much panting into his mouth and took them both in the palm of his hand, twisting and dragging. Dean shut his eyes hard from the extreme wave of pleasure. 

Dean felt himself getting closer and closer after an embarrassingly short period of time and when he thought it couldn’t get any better Cas found a new angle or a way of rubbing them together that just pulled him even nearer to the edge. Finally he couldn’t take it anymore and he fell right over, his mind blank. Cas came after him, gasping loudly and accidentally biting down hard on Dean’s lip. Dean could taste blood as he rested his forehead against Cas’ shoulder, panting heavily and feeling so incredibly great. Cas’ chest heaved a few times underneath him before soft hands came down to lift his head up. Cas’ brows furrowed when he saw the state of Dean’s lip and he wiped his fingers over Dean’s mouth. 

“God, I’m so sorry,” he breathed and started to look so worried that Dean had to lock Cas’ hands in his own to keep him from smearing blood over all himself. 

“I always knew you were into the whole S&M thing,” Dean teased him, earning himself a smack on the shoulder. He chuckled and sucked his lower lip into his mouth, trying to stop it from bleeding. It wasn’t a particularly large cut, but it bleed like crazy. After a while it seemed to stop though and he put his head back against Cas’ shoulder. The chest underneath him was rising with shallow breaths.

“You’re still feeling guilty, aren’t you?” Dean mused sleepily and he felt Cas swallow. He looked up and Cas’ brows were still drawn together and his eyes looked remorseful. “Ohh, just stop it,” Dean said and pushed himself up on one elbow, hovering closely over Cas. “I’ve been in battle; I think I can handle a small cut.” He smiled down at Cas, but apparently it hadn’t been the right thing to say, because Cas looked even more anxious. 

“Dean…” he started, but Dean wouldn’t let him finish.

“I’m fine,” he said and kissed Cas just to prove his point. 

“I’m still very sorry,” Cas muttered and looked frustrated. 

“Yeah, I know you are,” Dean smiled and kissed him again, just because he could. He let his lips trail kisses across his cheeks and his nose.

“Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“Have you figured out what you want to do yet?”

Dean paused for a moment.

“Well,” he began slowly, “I was sorta thinking about applying to CIA. They’re kinda into former soldiers.”

Cas looked up at him with a small smile.

“Why couldn’t your biggest dream just be to open a quiet bookshop somewhere?” 

Dean chuckled at him.

“Yeah, you’d like that wouldn’t you, you little geek?” he said and kissed his nose again. Cas laughed quietly.

“Yes, I would…” he ran his fingers through Dean’s hair, which had grown back to its normal length, “But do you think it’s wise? Do you really want to go into the whole weapons and danger-business again?”

“Yeah,” Dean said and paused to try and find a good way of explaining it. “I just feel like there’s too much out there, too many bad things happening and I just can’t turn my back on that. You know, seen too much to stop.” He got flashbacks from all the fighting, screaming children and the blood everywhere and had to close his eyes and swallow. He felt Cas’ eyes on him and when he finally lifted his gaze to meet them, they bored their way right through him, right into his soul goddammit. Cas nodded slowly. 

“I suppose that sounds reasonable,” he said. “Where will you be located?”

“Most likely Washington,” Dean said and sighed. 

“Really?” Cas said and got something sneaky in his voice. “You know, I’ve been thinking about looking into NASA. They have two facilities in the same area.”

“You have?” Dean asked, catching on that train of thoughts Cas was having.

“Yeah. And I would really like to move to a larger town after four years at university.”

“Would you now?” Dean said, felt a grin spreading over his face and flipped them over so he was lying on his back with Cas on top of him. Cas put his legs on either side of his stomach and sat up. 

“Yes. Perhaps you should come with me when I look for an apartment.”

The moment had suddenly gone from teasingly to we’re-actually-gonna-move-in-together and Dean felt his chest swell with warmth and happiness.

“You sure?”

“Yes,” Cas said indisputably. “If you’d like to.”

“Yeah,” Dean said and smiled. “Yeah, I think I would.”

\-------

Dean ended up getting employed by the CIA’s Office of Public Affairs and moved to Washington in the early summer. It was a quite small employment to begin with, but he felt good about taking things a bit slowly and it was a far better gig than most other’s got, because of his years in the military. Working at a federal agency was far better than anything he’d ever imagined for himself all those years in school, when he was sure the best job he’d ever manage to get would be as a mechanic at Bobby’s. And then later he was more or less sure he wouldn’t need a job at all, because of the military service. 

His first day at work had been really strange. He was called into his boss’ office, a certain Agent Elkins who apparently knew his Dad. Seriously, was there someone in this line of business his father didn’t know? Anyway, the guy was really cool and Dean was partnered with a middle-aged dude called Agent Turner, who gave him kind of a hard time for being new and everything. The secretary didn’t seem to mind Dean’s presence though, judging by all the seductive looks she was throwing his way. Dean tried to ignore her the best he could.

After Cas finished his education he got a job at the NASA Goddard Space Flight Center, just half an hour outside Washington. He had been so thrilled about it that he’d been standing on Dean’s doorstep with three pies in his hands. Cas had moved in a week after that, filling the entire place with books and tea mugs. 

Their new home was located in Brightwood, just north of central Washington and close to a large park. It had two rooms - one large bedroom and a living room - along with a proper kitchen and a bathroom. It was light and nice and open and Cas was practically jumping with excitement. When Cas was done carrying all his boxes inside, Dean threw him over his shoulder before he walked over the threshold, telling him this was the closest he’d ever get to bridal style. Cas had gotten his revenge later that night, leaning against the doorframe to their bedroom in those jeans from heaven (or more likely; hell) and wearing one of Dean’s plaited shirts with chocolate sauce in his hands.

\-------

Dean was sitting on their large couch one evening in July with Cas’ legs in his lap, thinking about how the fuck he got here. He was 23 years old, living with his boyfriend in Washington of all places. They both had good jobs. Of course, it’d been obvious that Cas would go straight from a great school to a great job; that was just the course of nature, but him? It felt kind of surreal. He was a fed and Jesus fucking Christ, how did this happen? Cas was clicking away on the laptop on his knee and the blue light illuminated his face.

“Hey, Cas?”

“Yes?”

“Do you still drink that ridiculous latte like you used to in high school?”

Cas gave him an amused look.

“Yes. Why?”

“I’ll be right back.”

Dean got out of the couch and grabbed his jacket and wallet on the way out. There was a Starbucks on Piney Branch Road, just a few blocks away, so he walked there. It was quite crowded with lots of couple pretty much everywhere. A good-looking guy behind the counter greeted him and gave him an once-over at the words ‘caramel’ and ‘mocha’ and ‘sugar ‘ and ‘cream’ all combined in one sentence. Dean made very sure to point out that it was for his boyfriend when the guy seemed to get too many ideas in his over-styled little head. When he left the shop with that sugar rush in a cup that was likely to kill Cas one day, along with his own plain coffee, he could feel the guy’s burning stare at his back.

When he got home again he threw his wallet and keys in the bowl - that also contained his badge - on the drawer just inside the door and slumped down on the couch again. Cas took one sip of his hot drink and shook his head slightly.

“I can’t believe you still remember this,” he murmured and put the laptop down. Dean felt kind of proud of himself and took a sip of his own coffee. Cas put his feet back in Dean’s lap like he owned him and licked a bit of cream from his lip. Dean couldn’t help but stare at him. Cas grinned at him when he caught him doing it and sat up to kiss him. He tasted like sweets and coffee and Dean licked his lips, tracing that syrupy taste. Cas sighed with contentment and smiled at him when he pulled back. 

“Sam called,” he said and picked up Dean’s phone from where he’d forgotten it on the coffee table. “He asked me to tell you to call him back as soon as possible. He didn’t sound upset though,” he added when Dean got a worried look on his face.

Dean got up and walked into the kitchen, dialling Sam’s number on the way. He could hear Castiel starting to write on his laptop again in the background. 

“Hi, Sammy, it’s me,” he said when Sam picked up.

“Dean! Hi!” Sam said and sounded incredibly thrilled. “I have something to tell you!”

“Okay, go ahead, princess,” Dean said and Sam huffed in the phone before he continued.

“I- I asked Jessica to marry me,” he almost rambled out, sounding pretty much like an overexcited puppy. “And she said yes!”

Dean felt himself light up and beamed back at Cas who gave him a questioning look.

“That’s awesome, Sammy!” he said. “Have you decided on a date yet?”

“Yeah, we’re thinking May,” Sam babbled out and almost tripped over his own tongue. “And maybe somewhere in California and I know it’s far away from you, but I’d really like you to be there and Cas too, of course, and Dean, I’m just so happy!” 

“Easy, easy,” Dean chuckled. “Don’t be an idiot, of course we’ll be there.”

Sam snorted at him.

“Listen, I kinda have to go, but I’ll talk to you later, ok?”

“Yeah, sure,” Dean replied. “Take care.”

“You too!”

Sam hung up and Dean was standing in the middle of the kitchen, feeling incredibly proud of his stupid giant of a brother. He turned around and walked back into the living room and his puzzled-looking boyfriend.

“Suit up, Cas,” he said cheerfully, “we’re going to a wedding!”

 

END


End file.
